Come Around
by CCdeva
Summary: Across the Universe fanfic. Lucy and Jude have gone in seperate directions while choosing seperate addictions.Will they be able to find it in themselves to get better and go back to what it meant back then?Includes all characters.
1. Chapter 1

The sun shown in through a tangles mess of blinds in the main part of room 108. A half filled coffee pot still bubbling from the day before, and a heap of towels lay in the corner by the sink. Jude puffed his cigarette intensely and felt the nicotine take control of his shaking hands. He looked around at the messy bed and thought seriously about calling the maid down and asking her to make it, but decided he would just make do with the mess.

The mess. Just like the one in his mind and his heart. He took another long drag and sighed deeply as the smoke escaped his mouth. He looked for the cup he was ashing in but when he grew tired of searching he decided to just ash on the floor.

Outside the Manhatten air was thick and heavy. It was summer and the heat was causing everyone to be a little testy. Cars were honking obsessively at one and other and shouts would come in through his cracked window. He rested his head on his hand and anxiously tapped his foot on the ground.

"2 weeks." he mumbled to himself. "2 damn weeks I have been in this bloody hole."

Jude looked at the TV remote and opted for turning on the news. The only thing on was the news and seeing as how no news was good news he turned it back off. He stood up and stretched feeling all the bones and muscles in his body scream at him at once. He walked over to the side of his bed and laid down. Clutching a pillow to his chest he felt his eyes grow heavy. He knew he was tired but insisted on getting up for one last swig of whiskey before he slept. Clutching the bottle in his grip he chugged down what was more like 4 swigs and sat the bottle down. Getting back into the position he was in he curled up and let sleep take over.

Max looked out the window and sighed at the sun.

"It's so damn HOT in this CITY!"

"Well what do you expect?" Sadie smirked, "They're saying it's one hell of a summer swelter out there."

Max watched her walk into the kitchen and grab a water, then fixated his gaze on the empty mattress in Jude's room.

"Have you heard from the boy?" Sadie asked with a sadness in her voice.

Max shook his head and coughed. "No….I know he is at Robin's Inn, he won't pick up the phone when they transfer the calls to his room and he stays there all day."

Sadie sighed and looked out the window.

"I worry about Lucy." Max added.

"I do, too. The girl won't come out of Prudence's old room and I hear her moving all through the night. Sometimes she gets really anxious sounding. I hear the floor boards creaking like crazy and her footsteps get fast. I always think she'll come out to the kitchen but she only stays in there, it's almost like she is running."

"You can thank the cocaine for that." Max replied sternly.

Sadie shook her head. They had all done a few lines at Prudence's place here and there but not like that. She would crave it, you could see it in her eyes. And it didn't help that Prudence's friend John would offer it to her every time they came over.

Max stared into the heat of the day and rolled up his sleeves. "Maybe I'll pay our buddy Jude a visit today."

Sadie nodded her head in approval but her facial expression stayed bland.

"I think Lucy would be able to knock the habit if Jude were here telling her no."

"Jude has his habits of his own too though." Max sighed pointing to the liquor cabinet.

"We all have our drug of choice Max. Some like the drink, some like the smoke, and some just like to be free." Sadie responded.

Max rubbed his temples and shot up from the window. He walked to his room and after pulling on his shoes he tapped lightly on Lucy's door.

"What Max?" she demanded.

"I'm going out, need anything?"

"Out to where?"

"Not to Prudence and John's so don't even bother asking."

"Then where to, you don't know anyone else."

" I know a lot of people, I am a taxi driver. I meet interesting people every day."

Lucy didn't respond and Max gave up trying to talk to her. She was a recluse, only coming out in afternoons to eat or drink or shower. Max closed the door to his apartment and decided to walk the 6 blocks to Robin's Inn, he could use the fresh air.

Lucy sat in her room tangled up in her bed sheets and starring at the ceiling. The paint was chipping in five places and she often fixated her gaze on them and imagined that if Jude was there he would without hesitation repaint the whole ceiling and add some creation of his own to brighten the room. The idea of that made her chapped lips form a smile and as quickly as it was there it was gone.

She hesitated before getting out of bed and when she did her back yelled out in pain. She stretched and walked quietly into the bathroom so that she wouldn't have to talk to anyone. She never wanted to talk, she had nothing to say and didn't want to deal with anyone else's problems.

She slipped into the shower and let the water ease her aching muscles. She winced at the hot water at first and then she began to relax more and more, until she sank down to the floor. The water splashed her face and she began sobbing. She couldn't get Jude to leave her mind and she was the one who wanted him to go, well she had said she wanted him to go. She didn't think he would actually leave and not come back. She remembered sitting by the window and starring into the darkness of the night waiting to hear his footsteps, but they never came. She brushed the image of Jude from her mind and stood back up. She thought seriously about paying John and Prudence a visit for once…on her own. She smiled at the thought of getting to be numb and not feeling anything. She quickly finished her shower and then made her way to Prudence's.


	2. A most beautiful shade of white

Jude was startled when he heard the tapping on the door. "Lucy" he whispered to himself, as he came out of a sound sleep. He was dreaming about her again. The girl with kaleidoscope eyes. He couldn't get her out of his mind, and yet he was still angry. Angry at her, and angry at himself. His thoughts were shaken when the tapping began again, now louder.

"Bloody maids" he hissed under breath.

Standing up he walked to the door and opened it only enough to peek out.

'Well, well, well. Look what crawled out of bed." Max smirked and smiled as he did so.

"Max…"Jude paused, and it an instant was in his arms hugging him, and Max was doing the same thing back.

"Come in, come in." Jude exclaimed opening the door wide enough so that max could slide his way in.

Max looked around the room and felt sad. There were no paintings, no scattered drawings lying around, no artwork of any kind. Just empty cartons of cigarettes, empty and full bottles of liquor, and a sad boy standing in the middle of all of it.

"Jude…I love what you've done with the place." Max attempted to liven the mood.

Jude shot him a small smile as he poured himself a glass of whiskey and then did the same for Max.

Max took the glass and nursed it carefully, not wanting to get out of control, which was more than he could say for Jude, who looked hung over but still drank the remains of his whiskey and did so quickly.

"No one's gonna take that away from you man." Max said in a dull tone.

Jude eyed him with curiosity. "Did you come all this way to tell me that, mate?"

"No…but I did however come all this way because I miss you."

"As I do to you, however, don't plan on me coming back anytime soon."

Max sat his glass down and watched Jude pour more into his own.

'Jude…this isn't right, you're drinking, you're not stable…Lucy isn't stable, she's using-"

"Using? As in she is still on cocaine?" Jude's tone sounded sad and almost as if he cared. Max's eyes glistened at this and Jude noticed, he shrugged it off and continued drinking his whiskey.

Max sighed. "Yes, she is using, and it's awful. She won't come out of her room, she doesn't eat, she comes out at night like some kind of vampire. She never says more than two words. All she cares about is making herself numb."

"So you came here to tell me this why?"

"Christ Jude…I don't know what to do. She is my baby sister. I'm losing it, man."

"I already lost it." Jude replied while finishing off his second glass.

Max eyed him up and down. This wasn't the kid he met at Princeton and this certainly wasn't the kid who flew halfway across the world to win a girl back. This was someone else.

"Of all the people in my life I thought you would care the most…about her. And you can't even bring yourself to stop drinking and come on by."

"With all do respect, she asked me to leave."

"And you left, and you didn't come back."

"Well what am I supposed to do? The girl was so fucked up every time I saw her. She would sob all night, and when I tried to be the one to ask how I could help she throws me drinking up in my face and says I'll never understand. And then John-"

"John's not part of the picture-"

"Oh bull shit, John's the reason the girl got into the stuff. She couldn't wait to see Prudence and John and the goodies they had for her. She wasn't the same. She kept sinking further and further."

Jude felt sadness take over and poured himself another glass.

Max reached out and grabbed the glass and tossed against the far wall.

"Max what the-"

"Jude…I came here because I know you're sick, just like she is sick. I came here because I'm your friend. It's clear to me you don't want any friends…I'm sick of seeing her hurt, and you hurt, fuck I hurt, too."

Jude didn't have a response, he looked at the shattered glass and then at Max's shattered face.

"If you want to grow up and come over, you know where to find us."

Max headed for the door and slammed it behind him. Jude felt numb, he felt sick in his own skin, and ran to the bathroom. He heaved up something awful and red and anxiously flushed it down. He moaned as he felt the cold floor hit his head and then something happened, he started to cry. A real cry, not one of those emotional drunk moments he had been having, he cried and he cried hard, for himself, for Max, but mainly for Lucy.

Lucy heard the sound of music coming lightly from the back room of Prudence's apartment. She heard John laughing and she knew what laid behind the door, her escape. She knocked twice and opened the door to find no Prudence, only John. He smiled at the girl with blonde hair and pointed at the mirror covered in lines of white powder.

'You're just in time sweet." He said politely.

She nodded and sat down.

"Surprising to see you out of the comfort of your room." John laughed.

"I needed to get out of there. It's full of memories and thoughts, and people."

John didn't mention Jude. He knew all about him, all about them. Their falling out, and how Jude disapproved of him for sharing one too many lines of cocaine with Lucy and for attempting to get her to stay at his place one night. He shook the idea of the English boy from his mind and handed Lucy a rolled up dollar bill.

She took it with envy and felt the white powder liven up her senses. She felt so good and so numb. No pain, no sadness, just peaceful.

John and her finished off the lines and sat on the couch laughing about the songs on the radio. They didn't make sense.

Lucy felt John's hand brush against her hair and she quivered. She didn't like the thought of him being romantic with her, he wasn't Jude, not even close. He continued to play with her hair and she felt compelled to stay. He smiled and she noticed it out of the corner of her eye. She could hear his breath, deep and long and she knew he was going to make a pass at her. She shrugged and stood up quickly.

"Where are you going?" John sounded angry, and concerned.

"To the store…Sadie needed cough drops and I figured I'd stop here first." Lucy lied.

"Sick is she?" Does that mean no show tonight?"

Lucy felt trapped. "Well..umm, I don't know, probably, she would never miss a show."

John shook his head at her. "You know Lucy…some people aren't made to be liars."

Lucy looked at her feet and sighed.

"I don't know what you mean."

John smashed his hand down on the table causing Lucy to jump. He stood up fiercely and walked towards her. She couldn't move. He leaned down to her height and stared directly into her piercing blue eyes.

"Listen, I know you know about my feelings for you and I can't make them much clearer. You can't come over and get free lines for nothing…not if you aren't my girl. You gonna run back to Jude and paint lovely pictures for the rest of your life? He is not perfect and neither are those paintings. Get the picture Lucy…this is the real world." John stepped back and ran his hand down his face.

"I'm sorry, sweet." He whispered touching her face.

She turned away violently and her lips quivered.

He moved her face back towards his and looked directly into her eyes. "Listen sweet, things will work out. You'll get used to all of this…but like I said, you aren't going to get shit for free, and you're not gonna cop an attitude with me."

Lucy turned around, her whole body shaking from the mix of fear and drugs. She began walking to the door.

"So I'll see you at Sadie's gig." John yelled down the hall.

"Yeah you will." Lucy replied quietly.

Sadie was finishing up her hair when max came through the door. He looked depressed.

"It didn't go so well did it?" Sadie asked.

"Understatement of the year."

Sadie shrugged. "Well, how's the boy?"

"No good. Talk about a heavy drinker. Whiskey is her new past time and he doesn't even draw or sketch or anything."

Sadie looked at Max confused. "Did he mention Lucy?"

"He was concerned when I said she was still using. He ranted about John for a bit, and then became a sarcastic dick."

"Ever think he's hurting, too?"

"He is. And I told him that."

"Yes but Jude is the one who got shunned when Lucy found an out to her problems, and when she started hanging around that waste of life John."

"Why does Prudence let him stay?"

"Prudence doesn't have much of a say. He has been throwing down for rent, and every time she mentions moving someplace else he threatens her."

"Why doesn't someone do something about this asshole?"

Sadie shrugged. "Max…we've all tried different things. JoJo has gotten in his face and made it clear that he isn't welcome here. Do you think that stops him from trying to see Lucy?"

Max shuddered at that thought of this guy standing next to his sister.

As though she knew they were talking about the boy who just scared her lifeless, Lucy walked into the kitchen.

Sadie starred at her with wide eyes.

"Well….I didn't even know you left?"

"Where'd you go…" Max asked hesitantly.

"I could say the same to you." Lucy replied coldly.

Max just sighed and looked at his sister with hurt in his eyes.

Said tried to liven the mood. "Why don't you come to the gig Luce?"

"I plan on it." Lucy said, her voice shaking.

"Is everything okay?" Sadie asked noticing the fear in her voice and eyes.

Lucy nodded.

"SHIT!" Max yelled while looking at Lucy's face.

Lucy held her hand up to her nose and felt the warm blood rushing.

"I'll get a towel!" Said yelled running for the pantry.

"No it's fine, I'll be fine-"

Max cut Lucy off. "Fine? How is this fine? You were at Prudence's!"

Lucy shook her head. "It's none of your business-"

"Oh believe me, I plan on making it my business." Max stammered getting in front of Lucy's face. "What the hell are you thinking? You have to stop-"

At that moment a sharp stinging sensation hit Max's face. Lucy stop there, blood smeared on her face starring at Max, with a single tear rolling down her cheek. Sadie starred at the two.

"Don't EVER get in my face again."

Max just starred at his sister. "Luce…I'm sorry…you've never acted like this before-I don't underst-"

"I don't expect you to understand, but don't ever tell me what to do again." Lucy grabbed the towel from Sadie and slammed the bathroom door, where she broke down into a mess. She replayed John over and over in her mind. And why'd he have to bring up Jude?

Max looked at Sadie in shock. Sadie looked at the floor.

"I have to go to the café to get prepped."

"We'll be fine." Max replied.

"So I'll see you both there right?"

"If I can get her to come."

"Max, don't leave her alone."


	3. Wandering a Street

Jude felt his legs ache as the night air settled in around him. He had an episode earlier with max and he was hoping to fix it. He knew he'd be at Sadie's gig, and it was Tuesday…so he got up, showered, and dressed in some clothes that didn't smell like yesterday's hangover.

He heard the voices of lovers as he walked the remaining blocks to the café. Some were fighting about bits and pieces of things between them while others were laughing and enjoying the company. He laughed. Lucy and him were like that once. Before the tides turned and she found happiness in something else. And before he became addicted to the drink.

Jude pushed on while thinking about their last day. The day he left.

"Just because I have a little fun doesn't mean you can tear me down!" Lucy shouted. "And you, you aren't any better than me. All you do is drink, and you think I don't notice when you wake up at 3 in the morning to have a few shots? I'm not stupid Jude!"

"I never said you were stupid love-"

"Don't give me that?"

"Give you what?"

"That sappy romantic crap."

Jude looked at her startled. "I've always called you that, what's the matter with you?"

Lucy threw her hands in the air and screamed. "Why can't you just open your eyes Jude? I'm not the one with the problem?

"Have you been at Prudence's with John?"

"What? Why does that matter?"

"Lucy, you're not making much sense, why don't you sit down-"

"Oh go do a shot Jude, you'll feel better!"

And that's just what he did, he stomped into the kitchen and she stomped into their room. Jude sat at the table for hours, drinking her and there, sketching here and there, and humming to himself. He calmed down and crept into their room. She was laying on her side and breathing deep. He laid down next to her and twisted to fit her shape.

She moved a little but never turned over.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"No…don't say anything, we'll get through this lo-I mean Lucy."

Lucy fought back tears.

Jude rolled his fingers down her back and hummed to her. She rolled over and Jude let out a deep breath.

"Lucy…you're, you're bleeding!"

Lucy felt the dried blood under her nose and rolled back over.

"Let me get you a towel…this is serious, I think you should-"

"Think I should what Jude? Should I go take a shot like you? I can smell the whiskey on your breath still!"

Jude rolled onto his back and sighed. "What do you want from me Lucy? What do you want me to do?"

"JUST LEAVE. Leave me alone. Everyone just leave me at peace. I'm fine."

"But I-"

"PLEASE!"

Jude got up and grabbed his bag and draped it on his shoulder. He stuffed a pair of pants and some shirts in it and walked towards the door.

"Fine then…I'll leave, leave you at your peace."

Lucy's tears streamed down her face, and Jude walked out into the Manhattan air."

Jude stopped thinking about their final day when he arrived at the café. He walked inside and saw a familiar looking blonde haired boy at the bar. He walked up behind his and punched him lightly in the back.

"HEY MAN WHAT THE-" Max stopped when he saw Jude, standing there, looking clean, and actually smiling.

"Jude!"

Max jumped into his arms and hugged him.

"You look good!"

Jude laughed. "Look mate, I'm sorry about before, I wanted to apologize and I knew you'd be here."

Max grinned. "Of course I'd be here…and I'm sorry, too. I never gave you the benefit of the doubt. The situation is shaky."

Jude nodded and Max handed him a beer.

Jude shrugged but then took it. Max wondered if that was the best thing to do, give an alcoholic alcohol, but he saw Jude smile, and that was enough cause for celebration.

Jude looked around the room and saw a few people from the old gang. He saw prudence, dancing and he laughed. It was when he noticed John, talking to Lucy that his smile faded. He looked at max who looked just as stunned.

"Are they…a thing?"

"I hope not." Max took a swig of his beer. "She was over there today, came home all fucked up out of her mind, nose bleeding, she hit me."

Jude looked at her sad face. She wasn't even looking at John when he spoke to her.

"Let's go sit down." max added.

"With them?' Jude asked pointing at the group of them, including John and Lucy.

"Yes." Max replied calmly.

Jude followed max to the booth. Luckily no on noticed him since they were all watching Sadie. He fixated his gaze on the back of Lucy's head. She looked so fragile and thin, John kept whispering stuff to her and Jude clenched his fists each time. He noticed Sadie when she noticed him and she shot his a little smile. That's when Lucy turned around.

She looked at max and saw Jude, situated behind her, looking gorgeous. She couldn't even make words escape her lips. She couldn't even smile at him. And he could only stare back into her cold eyes. She opened her mouth slightly, as if she were about to speak, when John turned around.

"Well Jude Feeney, I thought you died?"

"Was that rumor going around, mate?" Jude asked taking a swig of his beer.

"Sure was. Said you became a hermit, drank yourself to death." He laughed.

"I hear that doesn't kill ya mate, the powder is the one that'll do you in, especially young pretty girls who've got so much to live for."

Lucy eyed Jude. Her face was not mean and she was still silent, but it looked as though she had something to say.

"is that so? Cause I heard the only thing that kills young girls is when they boyfriend walks out on them?" John hissed.

Lucy stood up. "You'll have to excuse me, I'll be right back." Lucy walked towards the bathroom and Jude stood up to follow her.

"Hey man," John yelled. "You leave her alone."

"I should be saying that to you. You're a junkie, turning her into one!"

Jude walked towards the bathrooms. He heard Max yelling for him behind him and he could hear Prudence yelling at John. He was almost to the doors when he heard John's booming voice from behind him. He felt John pulling him outside.

"Lucy!" Jude screamed as he was being pulled from the café.

John shoved him out onto the sidewalk where the regulars all stood, shocked. 

"You stay the hell away from my girl." John hissed.

"She's not your girl." Jude said between breaths.

John pushed him again and Jude managed to take a swing at his face. John stood back and wiped his lip. Max and Prudence weren't far from the doors and they were yelling at the two boys. John rushed at Jude and pushed him into the street, Jude fell backwards over his heel and his head hit the pavement. He wasn't out cold, he could hear people talking. He felt pounding in his side, and looked up to see John kicking him. 

"Stay the hell away…you're nothing, and she doesn't deserve you!" John screamed between kicks.

Lucy could hear the shouting from the bathroom. She heard Prudence and Max, and she heard Jude yell her name. She walked out and caught the last glimpse of Max running out the entrance. She called for him but no one answered, she ran to the door.

John finished kicking him and Jude felt his body go lifeless. He rolled over on his side only to see headlights and hear the sound of brakes. That's when he blacked out. He didn't even remember hearing Lucy scream.

Lucy stood between Max's arms, attempting to run for Jude who lay lifeless in the street, and bleeding. She screamed and sobbed and John stood in shock. He looked at Jude then at Lucy and walked towards Lucy. She began kicking and flailing her arms at him, and Max was having a hard time holding her. John stared into her eyes and smiled. "I did it for us. And I'll be back for you sweet." He smiled and then tore down the street. A few regulars chased after him.

Prudence leaned down over Jude's body and sobbed. He was breathing but barely. She shook as her hands lifted his head and she could feel the blood on them.

"Somebody call someone!" She shouted.

Max couldn't move. Everything was silent and Lucy was collapsed in his arms, sobbing. He sank to the sidewalk with her while she screamed out Jude's name. No one spoke, no one moved. Jude coughed and Prudence shushed him. The only sound anyone heard was the nearby sirens heading towards the café.


	4. Jude and Lucy, Lucy and Jude

A/N First of all I would like to thank you for the reviews

A/N First of all I would like to thank you for the reviews! And yes it's going to continue! I wrote three chapters in a short amount of time and haven't since! And I also am not sure why it was underlined? It won't happen again (I hope). But once again I appreciate the reviews and as the story goes on I would love to hear your thoughts both negative and positive!

Lucy had woken up to the smell of bacon grease one morning. It was not long after Jude had come back to America, and she had praised him for that. She rolled over and smiled while stretching. Her eyes fluttered open and she yawned. She was a little stiff from the night before. They had gone to gig Sadie's friend was having and everyone was worn out. Max had left with some girl the night before and everyone else poured into the beds at about four a.m.

Lucy rubbed the sleep from her eyes and walked lightly into the kitchen to find Jude humming while standing over a frying pan. The grease splattered up at him and he jumped back.

"Well if it's going to be like that you bugger." He replied while moving the bacon around.

Lucy laughed and Jude turned around surprised.

"You should have stayed in bed…I was going to bring it in to you." He flashed her his smile and she melted a little. "I made enough for us, a little romantic morning, eh?"

"Well you better keep on fryin'," Sadie said walking into the kitchen and pulling some juice out of the fridge. "We all smelled it, and we all want some." She smiled as she took a swig.

Jude rolled his eyes and Sadie chuckled. "Oh come on Jude…I make you breakfast all the time."

"I wouldn't count corn flakes as a hard dish to prepare dear." Jude replied.

"Depends on how you look at it."

Lucy walked over and wrapped her arms around Jude's waist and sank against his back. He turned around and faced her, pushing her head up with his hand. "Good morning, love." He smiled before planting a kiss on her forehead.

"More like afternoon but I'll be fine with either." Lucy replied while sinking into his chest.

Jude turned around and finished frying up the bacon and then tossed some eggs in a skillet for everyone to enjoy. Jojo woke up soon after and headed to the kitchen to koin the others. Finally when everyone had sat down and started eating Max came flying through the door.

"Jesus Max!" Jojo exclaimed still waking up.

"The door…it was sticking…again." Max replied scratching the back of his head.

"It never sticks." Lucy responded.

"It does when you're trying to get away from a one night stand that wants you to meet up for dinner." Max moaned slamming the door shut. Jojo jumped again.

Everyone laughed and Sadie shook her head, "That's why you need to find yourself someone steady."

"Trust me the only 'steady' people I know are old enough to be my grandma or young enough to be my child." Max sat down next to Jude and grabbed two pieces of bacon off his place and took a sip of his orange juice.

Jude put his fork down and leaned back in his chair and eyed Max. "Is there anything else I can do for ya mate?"

"Yea…unbutton your pants so I don't have to fight with that."

Everyone let out a laugh, even Jojo who was clearly not a morning person, even at 1 in the afternoon.

The rest of the breakfast conversation was light and dry. Max talked about how crazy his one night stand was, and how everything in her place was pink and Sadie talked about a gig she was playing Monday night. Lucy fumbled around to find Jude's hand under the table and she caught his smile when she gripped onto it. He gave her a squeeze back and she smiled, too.

Sadie offered to the dishes so Jude and Lucy headed back to their room. Lucy laid down next to Jude and kissed him lightly.

"That breakfast was wonderful."

"You're pretty wonderful yourself love." Jude said rolling over and pinning her down, he kissed her back and ran his hands through her hair.

"Did I mention the bitch had pink SLIPPERS…slippers! To match her pink curtains and her pink god damned finger nails!" Max screamed as he walked into Jude's room.

Lucy sighed and Jude looked up. "Are we really still on that topic?"

"Only if you're really still on top of my sister."

Jude laughed and Max shook his head. "I'm just messing…but in all honesty, you get her knocked up…I'm not raising no kid!"

"What makes you think you'd raise it?" Lucy asked a bit agitated.

"Well Jude's a good guy…but I don't think he would know what to do with a kid."

Lucy through a pillow at him and Max jumped. Jude laughed at the two of them.

"I'll make me exit." Max whispered in a low voice before leaving the room.

Lucy looked into Jude's eyes and smiled. "I think you'd make a good father."

"That means a lot coming from a girl who doesn't any babies." Jude said smiling.

Lucy ran her hands through his messy curls and smiled again. Jude rested his head on her chest and felt so content with where he was in life. Lucy smiled at the ceiling while Jude began drifting into sleep. She thought how absolutely perfect this was, and how something would have to go wrong…it always did. She drew in a long breath and closed her eyes before falling asleep.

That was only a week and a half before Prudence invited everyone over for a house party. They strolled down the street, hand in hand, high enough on life to not care about anything else. Lucy and Jude, Jude and Lucy…everyone else seemed pretty oblivious at this point.

Walking into Prudence's was like walking into a carnival. There were lights and music and drinks everywhere. And standing in the center of it wall was Prudence. About ten people stood in other places of the room and they all looked exactly like everyone else…laid back and free. Prudence introduced everyone but no one had any intentions of remembering names, they just wanted to have a good time.

Jude sipped on his punch while watching Lucy dance with prudence. He kept eying the boy who kept eying her. He was a bit mischievous looking. He watched him walk up to Lucy and startle her a bit. She nodded her head and then leaned in to ask Prudence something. Prudence took her by the arm and they went to the back of the apartment.

Jude took another sip of his drink before getting another.

"I thought you were going to take it easy sailor?" max asked watching Jude down yet another cocktail.

"It's hard to kick the habit when you do it for so long."

"It's easier to kick the habit the sooner ou decide to do so."

Jude fixed his gaze on Max and took another sip. "Look man, I'm not hurting anyone."

"Just your liver." Max said smiling.

Jude shrugged it off and stood up.

"Where do you think Pru took Luce…and that one character?"

"I have no idea…I haven't been looking."

"Well will you go look with me?" Jude asked.

Max stood up and patted his back. "If it makes you feel better then yes I will."

They crossed the living room floor and headed towards the back of the apartment. They walked through a long hallway all-full of locked doors, but they found one with light coming from underneath. Jude knocked and the door opened lightly.

"Who are you?" The mischevious looking boy asked.

"I'm Jude…I believe we met a while ago…forgive me though I don't recall your name."

The boy had a sour look on his face and her eyes were bloodshot.

"John."

Jude nodded. "Well John…I was wondering if Lucy was with you?"

John looked over his shoulder and then back at the two boys standing on the opposite side of the door. "Well man I-"

"JUDE!" Lucy exclaimed jumping up and running for the door. John sighed and walked towards the back of the room.

Jude felt Lucy grasp onto his body and she was shaking, but smiling and laughing.

"Luce…what's all this?"

"I just love that you're here! Come on come on you have to do this!"

Lucy pulled Jude in and then grabbed Max with her other hand. They plopped down onto a couch and Jude noticed a white dust formed into a few lines lying on a mirror next to them. He winced a little and then looked at Lucy. She was so alive with fire and rambling on and on about how good she felt.

"Is this safe?" he asked looking up at Prudence and John.

"It's cocaine." John replied lighting a cigarette. "It just makes you feel like pot…only not as down."

Max shrugged his shoulders. "If Nam didn't kill me neither can this." He laughed while Prudence handed him a rolled up dollar bill.

Jude watched everyone around him snort these lines through their nose. He thought it wouldn't be that bad so he, too decided to try it on for size.

The initial shock of the cocaine hitting his brain wasn't bad. The drain from the nasal cavity to his throat was something awful that he never wanted to feel again. He couldn't blow his nose because that would take the high away and he couldn't sneeze even though every six seconds he wanted to.

He hated this. The feeling he felt was numbness and anxiety. His heart was pounding through his chest and he was shaking his leg nervously.

Lucy smiled at him when she noticed how nervous he looked. "Jude…what is it?"

"I don't want to be here." Jude reacted standing up quickly almost knocking the table over."

"Hey…" John replied steady the table. "What the fuck was that for?"

"He didn't mean to." Prudence chimed in.

John shook his head and focused on Lucy. Jude felt nervous but didn't want to say anything, he just wanted to leave.

Lucy stood up and put her hands on his face. "Jude what's wrong?"

"I just want to go." He stammered, now shaking.

"Oh my god…what's wrong?"

"He drank a lot Luce…" Max replied. "He's probably not feeling too hot."

"That'll do you in for the night. Shouldn't mix," John snickered while putting his cigarette out.

Jude didn't have the ability to respond to anything. Max stood up and helped him out of the room. Lucy followed behind.

"Thank you." She said before shutting the door. John eyed her with amazement and waved towards her.

Max whistled to Jojo and Sadie and soon they were all walking down the stairs to the street below. Jude was mumbling on and on about how sick he felt and how nervous he was about falling. Jojo and Max helped him down the street while Sadie held Lucy's hand on the way home.

"What is he on?" Sadie asked looking at Lucy.

"Well cocaine and his alcohol….go figure."

"Cocaine? Jude doesn't do that."

"He did tonight…we all did."

"Then how come you are all okay?"

"We didn't drink as much as he did. He puts them down like crazy."

Sadie looked at Lucy's sad eyes and squeezed her hand. Lucy wiped her eyes and sighed. "I just want to get home and get him to bed."

Jude was going on and on about how long of a walk it was and when Sadie unlocked the door they took his to his room and laid him down. He wasn't tired, more awake than ever but Lucy kept trying to coax him into sleep.

"I'm not tired love…I just…please promise me you'll never do that again…I feel so awful…so sick."

Lucy sighed as she untied his shoes and grabbed a pair of sweat pants for him. "You drink too much Jude."

He shook his head. "It was that powder that did me in tonight."

"No, it's the drink, it does you in every night."

Jude laid down not wanting to fight. He knew it bothered Lucy that he drank but what else could he do when she was pulling 10 hour days and never home.

Lucy sat down next to him and looked into his eyes. "You scared me tonight. Please just get some rest."

Jude looked up into the blue color of her eyes that were pooling full of tears. "I'm sorry love…I'll get better…for your sake."

He was slurring his speech and Lucy was tired and she just wanted the night to end.

He reached up and brushed hair from her face. "Just….just please…promise me you'll never do that stuff again. It probably is the mixing that made me feel like this…but I have a bad feeling about it…and about the character."

Lucy shrugged. "He was nice Jude, and I had fun…it feels good."

Jude reached up towards her hair again. "Lucy….what if it's really bad for you?"

Lucy sighed and laid down. "Just go to sleep, please Jude. We'll talk in the morning."

Jude was already almost out when she hit the pillow.


	5. God of Wine

A/N Thanks again for the reviews guys

A/N Thanks again for the reviews guys! It makes me want to write more and update sooner when I know you guys enjoy it! This chapter is also a flashback but goes back even further halfway through the chapter. There's a line so you won't get confused!

_Every thought that I repent,  
There's another chip you haven't spent,  
And you're cashing them all in, Where do we begin.  
To get clean again,  
Can we get clean again.  
I walk home alone with you,  
And the mood you're born into,  
Sometimes you let me in,  
And I take it on the chin. I can't get clean again.  
I want to know,  
Can we get clean again._

Jude was downing another bottle of something from under Sadie's cabinet. He didn't even know what it was, he didn't bother to look. He tilted his head back and let the lukewarm substance liven his senses. It tasted a bit dry…and he wasn't enjoying it, but it got the job done.

He sank his head into his hands and rubbed his face. Lucy was working, again, and at night, she was at Prudence's, always. She never promised not to get high with them again, Jude remembered that, and he knew she was still doing it. She'd come home laughing and twirling her skirt around, hands flailing in mid air, smelling like smoke and music. She'd laugh and go on and on about the simple things. John would smile and sometimes twirl her around. And Prudence would dance around the two of them. Jude would bite his lip while watching from the doorway. Lucy would walk over and wrap her arms around him. She was so high and so numb but he still loved the way she looked when she danced, and when she flashed her smile, and when she spoke soft and low. He would take her hand and dance with her, too and John would pucker up and stomp off into the kitchen. The scene was all too familiar, and the drink was all too convenient when she was away.

_The God of Wine comes crashing through,  
The headlights of a car that took you farther  
than you thought you'd ever want to go,  
We can't get back again,  
We can't get back again,  
She takes a drink and then she waits,  
The alcohol it permeates.  
And soon the cells give way,  
And cancels out the day._

Soon the dances grew old and the chance of Jude even coming out of his room when Lucy would come home was slim to none. He'd sulk and paint and drink and curse under his breath.

_I can't keep it all together,  
I know...I can't keep it all together,  
And the siren's song that is your madness,  
Holds a truth I can't erase,  
All alone on your face,  
Every glamorous sunrise,  
Throws the planets out of line,  
A star sign out of whack A fraudulent zodiac._

There was one night especially, when things that were already beginning to fall apart, became a tattered mess.

Jude sucking down his beverage of choice, was alone, sick and tired. He kept shifting his gaze to the clock and noticing it was almost three. No Lucy. Sadie was pacing around glancing down on the street every now and again, and still, no one showed up. Max was beginning to worry but no one bothered Jude. He had been drinking since she left and had only sped up while she had been gone.

Footsteps pranced up the stairs and everyone's head popped up, except Jude's. Laughing and singing was flowing through the door as it opened. Prudence was wrapping her hands in her hair and signing and John was pulling Lucy through the door, holding her hand tightly.

This was about all Jude could take of their "friendship."

"Lucy…where have you been?" Sadie asked quietly.

"With my two friends? It's not like I was doing anything wrong."

Jude heard the chatter between the two of them and stood up, rubbing a hand through his hair, and taking one last sip he tore from the bedroom, through the kitchen and to the living room.

_And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room,  
You let me down,  
I said it, Now I'm going down,  
And you're not even around.  
And I said no...  
I can't keep it all together,  
I know...I can't keep it all together._

Everyone watched Jude, startled and surprised no one moved or said anything.

"Jude…" Lucy said quietly, her smile slowly erasing itself from her face.

"What the hell is this?" Jude demanded pointing to John.

"It's John." John responded coldly.

"I know who the fuck you are…and I don't want you hanging onto my girlfriend like you do."

"John I'm sorry." Lucy responded while walking towards Jude. "You've been drinking…again, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Me? Me? Excuse me if I don't snort lines from 5 till 2 and I don't come home to you every night."

Max walked over to Jude and leaned in holding onto his shoulders, he pushed him back. "Jude come on man, let's just go chill out somewhere."

Jude shook from Max's embrace and leaned down to Lucy's height. "Think about something for me will ya love? I came back here for you, I love you, and I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong because you'd rather spend your nights with this ass than me!"

"He's not an ass…he's a friend! Jude why are you doing this!"

"Why are you relying on drugs to get you through? You used to rely on me!"

"You used to be sweet!"

Jude turned around and threw his hands in the air. "You used to be fucking great! Fucking pure and NOW…now you're a junkie!"

Lucy stepped back and she felt the tears begin to well up. Jude watched them start to fall and instead of walking over and wiping them away like always he smiled. "Yea cry out your addictions love."

"HEY!" Max yelled. "You, room, NOW! What the fuck Jude…you drunk stubborn ass."

Lucy watched Max pull Jude towards their room.

Sadie walked over to Lucy and embraced her in a warm hug. John sighed and walked over. "Why don't you stay with me and prudence tonight?"

Jude was almost to his room when he heard John. He broke free form max's grip and charged back towards the living room.

Lucy looked up and saw a stumbling, angry Jude come running. She screamed and just as he was about to swing at John, Jojo grabbed him by the waist and pulled him back.

Lucy felt the tears fall freely and didn't bother to stop them. Jude was screaming words that didn't make sense and just as they were calming him down he began throwing up.

John laughed and walked towards the door. "I'll be outside pru…and sweet, if you change your mind you know where we're at."

Lucy looked at John then back at Jude. Max and Jojo carried him into the bathroom and Lucy ran to her bedroom. Sadie rolled her eyes and grabbed a few rags from the kitchen.

Lucy laid on the bed and sobbed. This wasn't right, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

She reached in her pocket and felt for the bag John had given her. She found it and walked to the balcony and shut the door. Just before turning to sit she saw Jude, with the help of Max walking to their room, he looked right into her eyes and she turned away quickly.

Jude shook the memory from his head and realized he was sitting back on his bed waiting for a girl to come home that never would. He took another long sip and decided that t his was how things would be, and if it was going to stay like this, then he wasn't going to change either.

He finished off his bottle and tossed it on the ground. He laid down and chuckled before falling into a blind sleep.

_And there's a memory of a window,  
Looking through  
I see you.  
Searching for something,  
I could never give you,  
And there's someone who understands you,  
More than I do.  
A sadness I can't erase.  
All alone on your face._


	6. Sweet

**A/N Ah yes another chapter! Enjoy…I can promise you that in the coming chapters more stuff will go on, and I'll try not to let it get dull! And this is once again a flashback chapter and the last one for a bit.**

Sweet.

He had a nickname for her now. Not quite as wonderful as love and a bit on the cheesy side, but the point was, he had a nickname for her.

Jude laid in between the comfort of his sheets while Jojo's guitar bounced off his opposite wall.

"Do you have to play in here mate?"

Jojo didn't respond. He continued to strum the chords with his fingers and hum an unfamiliar tune.

Jude sighed and rolled over. It had been 2 weeks since the "night from hell" as Max called it. He couldn't remember much of it, just the fight and the tears, and the "sweet." He didn't understand why one word was driving him so crazy but it was.

Jojo stopped playing when Jude rolled over.

"It's a good song man, once I get words that sound right to it."

Jude didn't respond. At this point caring about lyrics wasn't his priority.

Jojo picked back up into strumming and started speaking a few words that came to his head.

"_I'll go with none so you don't go without._

_The color of my decision is pale white like your doubt._

_Could you rest in my soul under my bones and lies?_

_Been sleeping all day while you shed tears in disguise._

_Up the street where the East Coast burdens you._

_To the way your hands melt like the snow._

_I never asked you the answers that you knew,_

_But you've broken me up and I've got the time to go."_

"It wouldn't be hard to guess what inspired you there mate."

Jojo smiled a little and watched Jude roll back over and face him.

"I was hard on her."

"I can't say you weren't, but she's hard on the drugs my friend."

Jude sighed and looked at the pile of clothes lying on the floor. He knew he should get up, walk to the Laundromat and do something with his day, but it was so hard to get out of bed. Jojo stood up and picked up his guitar.

"Look man, you can lay here forever and think about all the things that aren't worth living for, or you can make the most of the things that are."

Jude watched him walk out into the living room and he sat up. His head ached and he was out of pills. Around the room were half full bottles of liquor and empty ones piled high amongst each other. Jude stood up and walked into the bathroom. They had a mirror now, which didn't make him too happy. Seeing his reflection was enough to make him sick to his stomach. He bent over the toilet and felt himself grow sick.

He wiped his face and turned the shower on. The water eased his mind and he began humming the tune Jojo was humming earlier. He couldn't take "sweet" from his mind. He kept repaying it, how John said it and how he looked when he said it. He knew why it bothered him, the first time he called Lucy love she returned the favor by walking up to him, placing her hands on his hips and kissing him.

He leaned against the shower wall and grimaced. The thought of her kissing someone else, even if she hadn't, it churned him up inside. His stomach, still weak from throwing up was ready to give way again. He couldn't take it. He didn't want to do laundry, he didn't want to get dressed, he wanted to drink because that seemed to keep his stomach from aching out something awful. He turned the water off and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a fresh bottle of whiskey he walked to his room and indulged in the most satisfying part of his day.

Across town Lucy was wandering alleys and empty shops with John and Prudence. She was longing for the fix she hadn't got yet. She felt her fingers tingle and her forehead sweat. She wanted it, and she needed it. John kept looking back at her and smiling. "Soon sweet" he would tell her before turning around. Prudence always looked so confused anytime he said that, but Prudence who never really cared all that much found it easier not to ask.

By the time they had scored anything it was late in the day. The sun was setting over the city skyline and the car horns were dying off. The lights looked wonderful to Lucy and she wished Jude could be there to see them with her.

_Jude_

His name in her mind was almost foreign at this point. They hadn't spoke much since what happened. Every once in a while she would crawl off the couch and into his room, and snuggle her way between the sheets. Jude wouldn't always wake up but if he did, nothing was ever said. He would drape his arm over her and pull her close. She would face him for a moment and their eyes would freeze for a second. Neither one of them spoke and ever dared to. Sometimes she knew exactly what he was saying without him ever opening his mouth. She'd roll back over and fall asleep feeling comforted and well, hoping that in the morning things would still be so peaceful. But mornings came and Jude wouldn't be there. He'd be in the kitchen or in the living room gazing out the window or at his sketch pad.

Lucy sighed while thinking about Jude and John noticed she was falling behind.

"Sweet…what's got you back there?"

"I think I am going to head home guys…there's some things I need to take care of."

John winced when she said she was leaving. He knew what for and he knew why. It was that piece of shit good for nothing English boy with the face of a poet. He shrugged.

"Well don't plan on coming back tonight…we're going out."

Lucy heard a tone in John's voice that she never caught before.

"Okay…" she stated bluntly.

She turned down the next alley and cut across traffic. She needed to talk to him, just to hear his voice.

She climbed the stairs and passed Sadie and Jojo leaving on the way. They smiled at her but both looked rushed. She wished them luck on their gig and finished the climb alone. She walked into the apartment and saw a half full bottle of whiskey on the counter. She closed it and put it under the sink. She walked to the back room and saw Jude, drawing in his book. He never looked up, never moved, she was afraid to breathe.

"Hi…"she said barely above a whisper.

Jude looked up from his sketch, startled. "It's 7?"

"I know…I wanted to talk to you."

He concentrated back on his drawing.

"Please…"

"Look I feel bad about what happened, but I don't expect you to forgive me. I can live with that."

"I do forgive you."

Jude laughed a bit and sat his book down.

"I do." Lucy said her voice quivering.

Jude rested his elbows on his knees and ran his hands through his hair. Lucy walked to the edge of the bed and sat down next to him.

Jude turned and faced her. "You don't sleep in here much. We barely speak, when I see you you're coming or going from somewhere and you can't wait to get a hold of some o' that fancy powder. Who are you Luce?"

Lucy breathed in deep and coughed. "Jude…I like how I feel when I am doing it. Just like you like being drunk."

"It's different-"

'It's not any different, listen…why can't we just accept the things how they are and learn to still love each other anyway?"

Jude shrugged. "I just want to see you more."

Lucy looked at her hands. "I'm afraid of you Jude."

"Oh come on, you know I'd never hurt you."

"You don't know how you look when you drink…"

Jude let a breath escape and he looked at the broken girl on the bed next to him. Two broken people with two broken lives, about to have broken hearts.

"I'll try to stop…" he managed to spit out.

Lucy looked into his eyes and held his gaze, for the first time in weeks. "Thank you." she whispered, her voice still cracking.

Jude half expected her to say me too, but she didn't. She never mentioned John and she never mentioned cocaine. Jude let it rest. He had nothing else to say really, and if him not drinking as much would get Lucy to spend more time with him, he could deal with it.

But Jude didn't stop. He didn't get worse and he didn't get better. He couldn't find it in himself to pry his hand off the bottle. His stomach would ache and growl all through the night if he didn't have a few shots before bed. Lucy was around more, but angry and always picking fights. She'd yell and cry for no reason, and spent a lot of time in the bathroom.

Lucy knew Jude couldn't pry himself away from the drink, like she couldn't pry herself away from the drug. John would drop by for a visit while Jude would shower, or when he would pass out in the middle of the night. Lucy would get her fix and be set, but when she didn't have her fix or Jude would hang around, she got so upset she couldn't handle it.

Everyone noticed that they were falling apart. But they noticed it more than anyone.

The day before Jude left for good, he was rubbing Lucy's back before bed. It had been a pretty good day, they hadn't bickered. She rolled over and kissed the tip of his nose.

"Why does he call you sweet?" Jude asked and after he did so he knew he shouldn't have. It had been building inside him for weeks and he just wanted to know.

Lucy stared into his eyes coldly and turned to face the wall.

"Jude…just drop it."

"I just wanted to know-"

"Jude…"

He stopped rubbing her back and rolled towards the opposite direction. It was the last time they would fall asleep next to each other.

_Sweet_

Lucy woke up hearing that word echo off the corners of her mind. It frightened her a bit and she swallowed hard. She looked around the apartment and saw no one, the lights from outside were the only way she could see anything at all. She heard the door close quietly and saw the outline of Max's shadow walk into the living room.

"Max…"

Max walked over and kneeled down in front of her. The light from outside caught the reflection of his eyes and his tear stained face. Lucy touched the places where his tears had been falling.

"Lucy…I…I can't do this." Max said between breaths.

"What happened why am I here?"

"I had to bring you home, you wouldn't stop screaming after the ambulance came and me and Jojo brought you home. You passed out on the way from screaming and crying. The doctor stopped and just said it was shock and to let you rest a bit."

"Max I want to go to the hospital, I want to see Jude."

"You can't…Luce."

"Max please.." her tone was getting louder.

"Lucy you have to understand something…Jude isn't good."

"What do you mean, he's fine, he's always fine, he woke up when Prudence lifted his head, I saw him!"

"Lucy….you don't understand, just lay back down I'll explain it to you when your strength fully comes back.

"No Max…please." Lucy gripped onto his shirt.

Max hesitated but saw the intent in her eyes. "He has head injuries from hitting the ground…and his leg…his leg is busted up from the car. But….his stomach…and his throat…" Max's head sank into his hands. "He's got some really bad bleeding internally, and…he has some kind of ulcers from drinking…the doctors said they caught them so late that they don't know how long it's going to take him to recover…and he's not talking. He won't even open his eyes. It's like a comatose state…it's awful"

Lucy started pulling at max's shirt harder. "Let me go see him…now!"

Max shook his head and tried to free his sister's hands from his shirt.

Lucy started getting upset and sobbing, her breath became quick and short. Max tried to get her to calm down but her eyes grew heavy and she sank back into the couch. Max tried to wake her up but her body gave up and she fell into another state of feint.

The last thing she remembered was the first time Jude called her love.


	7. You make me break

**A/N Ah I apologize for the lines that I was using to separate past and present, not showing up. I'll try something different so no one gets confused! Much love for the reviews!**

Sadie was tip toeing through the kitchen and trying to be quiet as she heated up some water. The noises of the day were already making their way into the open window of the apartment. The heat was settling in early and it wasn't even half past nine yet. She stared out from the balcony and looked at the street below, crowded and plagued by about 100 people rushing to work. She hadn't been up this early since before she started singing, it was kind of nice, but not something she wanted to get used to.

She was thrown from her day dreaming when the kettle started howling. She ran quickly but lightly into the kitchen trying not to wake Lucy up as she passed. She took the kettle off the stove and finished buttering some toast. She could catch Lucy moving around a bit out of the corner of her eye, and when she was finished getting stuff together, she took a plate and a mug of tea over to the couch and sat down next to Lucy. She rested a hand on her back and called her name quietly.

Lucy stirred in her sleep and felt the heat of the top floor apartment seep into her skin. She could smell tea and it almost sounded appealing to her. She fought to open her eyes and saw a blurry Sadie smiling calmly and gently down at her. Lucy's chapped lips formed a small smile, not anything to write home about.

She pulled herself up and felt her head throb. She rubbed her temples and took the warm mug from Sadie's hand. It was so hot and tea was the last thing she wanted on a summer day, but the smell of it made her feel so relaxed.

"It's good for headaches, Jojo drinks it all the time, some gypsy woman got him hooked on it after a show last fall."

Lucy felt the warm liquid slide down her throat. It wasn't all that bad, a little bitter, but it did make her feel soothed.

Sadie sat the plate down next to her and Lucy made a face. She was not at all hungry.

"Please eat darlin', you have gotta get something in your stomach."

"Uh…" Lucy moaned while pushing the plate away.

Sadie sighed and felt helpless. She hated seeing Lucy like this, all sick and disoriented, she figured she would have asked for a fix by now but it had been a few days.

"Where is Max?"

"He stayed at the hospital last night. Said he couldn't leave him there alone again."

Lucy looked at her feet and then mumbled low under her breath "I want to go see him."

Sadie let out a deep breath and fixed her gaze on the wall. Jude had been in the hospital for three days now, and the improvements that he had made, were only in the fact that he was breathing on his own and his leg would be okay after about six weeks and some therapy. As for himself, Jude wasn't really himself. The medicine the doctors were giving him for his ulcers were slowly helping them deteriorate but he still might have to undergo surgery. His esophagus lining was ripped from throwing up so much and he was going to have to cope with the pain of that for a while. But Jude didn't feel. His eyes never opened, and he never responded. He would move sometimes, his arms would slide from one position to another and his head would fall to the opposite side. Everyone always held their breath for him to just turn and look, but he didn't.

Lucy stared at Sadie who was lost in a moment and touched her arm.

"Sadie…I feel fine. Please, Jude was my boyfriend, my life, I don't understand why I wouldn't see him."

Sadie nodded, it wasn't like it was going to do him any harm, he wasn't even all there. She thought about Lucy though, frail and wearing thin, she was in detox and although she was speaking softly and caring, Sadie knew what could happen if something were to throw her off.

"Lucy…get cleaned up and I'll take you in."

Lucy threw her arms around Sadie and hugged her tightly. Sadie was startled and taken aback a bit, but she felt herself return the hug and it felt good to see Lucy smile.

Lucy walked towards the bathroom and Sadie stood up and picked up the dishes. She walked to the kitchen and looked around the empty apartment. She didn't like the loneliness coming through all the cracks. Jojo had been staying at the hospital when Max would go home and sleep and max did the same for Jojo, but they had stayed up there together the night before, and when Sadie would go up one of them would have to come home to be with Lucy. She missed having her "family" around. She shook her thoughts from her head and finished cleaning up while Lucy got ready.

Max sat quietly in the pale white room staring at the machines hooked up to his best friend. Sunlight peered through cracked blinds and shone directly into his piercing blue eyes that were now a bit gray. He kept watching the heart monitor, his rate would rise and fall and his breath would become slower and slower and just when max would think about calling the nurse it would go back up. He tapped his foot quickly on the ground and bit his lip.

He leaned forward and cracked his knuckles. "Jude…I think you should wake up today."

There was no answer from the lifeless, sleeping English boy with the witty remarks. Not even a flinch.

Max laughed, "Come on…I know you can hear me you sick bastard. Seriously though…you have got to get up."

Max grabbed his coffee and sipped on it. It was so bitter and growing cold, the creamer had gathered in one corner forming a large bubble and he winced while looking down into the cup.

He kept replaying the night in his mind. John running down the street and Jude lying there, bleeding to death, eyes on his sister, not able to speak.

"Lucy was there Jude, I know you saw her, and I know you heard her screaming."

Jude never moved an inch.

"Look man." Max's tone became aggravated. "I have sat here with you for days and you haven't done shit other than move your arms and your head. This isn't like you, you can stay up all hours of the night and run on no sleep. If you're faking this I swear to God I'll write you off."

Max's head fell onto his lap and he let out a sob. He felt a hand on his back and jumped up. Sadie was staring down at him with sorrow in her eyes.

"He just won't wake up Sadie."

Sadie rubbed his back and sighed. "Max…I think there is someone outside who needs a moment alone with him."

Max looked up at Sadie with confusion in his eyes.

"You brought her here?"

Sadie nodded. "I know we talked-"

"Are you out of your god damned mind?"

"Max-"

"She's been sober for three days, she's been sick and she's been having crazy mood swings, she gets so tired so easily…the first 48 hours is crucial and we just weaned her past that, I don't want this to throw her back into a funk and stress her out to where she needs it again!"

"Max she wouldn't take no for an answer, and it's her boyfriend!"

"Was…Sadie, was."

"They never broke up, he just left."

"I'm not going to argue with you about what they are or aren't or why, I just don't think this is smart."

Sadie looked at Jude and then back at Max. "You need to get out of here for a bit, and your sister, the love of Jude's life is going to come in here whether you like it or not."

Max searched for words, but instead pointed his finger at her face and shut his mouth. He bolted for the door and Sadie followed close behind.

Lucy heard the door open and she looked up. Max couldn't even look her in the eye.

"You know how I feel about this, and you." max continued to look past her.

Lucy nodded and looked down. Max pushed past her and Lucy looked up at Sadie.

"He's just having a real hard time with Jude and with seeing what you're going through."

Lucy nodded again and looked at the door.

"Go on in, I'll be out here if you need me."

Lucy hesitated before walking to the door. She didn't know what to expect but she didn't expect anything good. She pressed her hand against the cold wood and pushed. The room smelled like cleaner and it was so bright. She walked past the hanging blue curtain and heard the sound of a beeping heart monitor. She drew in her breath before looking down at the boy she once loved so much.

Jude's eyes were closed and he was pale, his brown curly hair was wisped around his face and his mouth was closed lightly.

Lucy sucked in deep and let out a brief sob between breaths. Jude never moved, never changed form, he just laid there.

Lucy touched his arm and drew back. He felt cold and clammy and not at all like Jude. Not like when they would wrap up in a blanket on the balcony and he'd draw her close and point out the changing street lights. She'd lean back against him and he'd breathe into her ear, sending chills up her spine. She wanted to remember him like that, not this.

She sat down in the chair across from the bed and barely got his name out before she started sobbing uncontrollably. She kept repeating why, over and over and clutched her cross necklace in her hands. She glanced up at him every now and again but he still hadn't changed.

She leaned her head down and tried to calm herself down. She wiped her eyes and let her breathing return to normal. She couldn't see him like this. She had hated him for the last month and seeing him, looking at him now, and seeing him at the club the other night, she realized she never didn't love him.

She began sobbing again and couldn't handle it. She needed to get out of there. She wanted to get out. She stood up feeling sick and helpless and rushed towards the door. She pulled it open and ran down the hall, pushing past Sadie and Max.

Max watched his sister run past him and it wasn't long after that he was going to. He caught up with her and pulled her back.

"LET ME GO!" She screamed getting stares from the patients and families waiting in the lobby.

"Lucy come on."

"MAX LET ME GO GOD DAMNIT!"

Sadie ran to Max's side and helped pull her towards the hospital doors.

"Damnit Sadie I knew this was a bad idea!" Max said trying to keep his sister from breaking free.

Lucy was kicking and screaming, and sobbing all at once. Sadie hailed a cab and Max stuffed himself along with her into it. He rolled the window down and looked at Sadie, "Stay with him, don't leave him alone…I'm taking Lucy home."

Sadie nodded and watched max struggle to buckle his sister in. She was throwing her hands and pleading with him to let her out. He motioned for the driver to leave and Sadie watched them pull away.

She walked back in and avoided all the stares and whispers. She walked slowly into Jude's room and sat down on the edge of his bed. She grabbed his hand like always and rubbed it gently.

"Hey Jude." she said gently while stroking his hand.

She felt a squeeze coming from the lifeless body and jumped.

"Jude…" she said barely above a whisper.

**Blah kind of sucky I know, I'm a bit sick and out of it but I'll get some better chapters up.**


	8. Between focus and fade

**A/N I'm feeling rather out of it so I apologize in advance for any errors, I'll try to keep a sharp eye and hopefully I'm feeling better tomorrow for a longer update!**

He had called her "mum."

Somewhere between scared and doubtful, Jude was hiding and not planning on coming out. Every time he would open his eyes he would see bright flashes of light, some smiles, some frowns, but he always heard loud booming voices that made him draw his eyes close again and he so badly wanted to cover his ears.

He recognized Max and Sadie but he could only focus on them for about 10 seconds before shutting his eyes again. The light was too much, and the noise, god would the noise stop.

The first time he had seen anyone, he saw an unhappy looking lady with her hair tied up. Her face was out of focus and she seemed to be looking down. He felt her soft hands and she smelled like home. The way she said his name, so gently yet so perfect, well it made him feel more at home than ever before, and he opened his mouth and whispered a very raspy, very drawn out "mum."

He vaguely remembered her telling him it was Sadie. She wasn't mean about it and she never laughed, she was calm and continued to rub his hand.

_Sadie._ He thought to himself. The singer, the "love child", the fire that kept burning into the wee hours of the morning. Yes he knew Sadie.

He was in and out of sleep all the time.. .fighting off his demons and his aches. His leg felt like something had torn it in two, and his head, that was another story. He wanted so badly to reach up where it was hurting and rub his temples, but he could barely get his arms up. His stomach was worse than he could ever remember. At times he would get enough energy to search his bed for his bottle of whiskey, but then after a few minutes of no luck, he remembered this wasn't his bed. This was a hospital room, he knew he was there and that was all he knew. The nurse had tried to explain that the shots would take away his pain, but in the middle of the night when morphine was wearing off, he could feel his gut yell out, and his head would scream back at him. He wanted a shot, but a shot of alcohol, he didn't like where he was, he didn't like that he couldn't move, he didn't like that he was alone.

His eyes were pierced shut tightly as he was trying to think why he was here. He couldn't open his mouth to get his words out and all anyone ever told him was, "you're going to be okay." He couldn't recall anything. Just the walk to the café, and that sorry excuse for life, John sitting next to Lucy.

_Lucy._ Her name came across his mind like a windstorm, bringing on a thousand and one different images, sounds, and feelings. Heartbreak, strife, love, pain, peacefulness, and then that aching in his gut. His eyes still closed, winced tightly down and began to water. He moved his hand up just enough to rest on his stomach and he felt like throwing up. The pain eased up after a few seconds and his eyes loosened.

He felt sad now, Lucy, why couldn't' he remember seeing her. For the brief few times a day he would open his eyes, he never saw the girl he had just seen in his mind. Maybe that was the only place she existed? But then why so many images of her? He saw the two of them walking, and laughing while sitting on a bed with orange covers. He saw himself brushing the hair from her face while feeling cold air rush around them both. He heard her laugh, so sweet and carefree, so simple. But then he saw her crying, her tear stained face buried deep in her hands, she was mumbling something but he didn't know what. When she moved her hands away, blood was pooling in them. His eyes tightened again and he felt so sorry for her, but so angry, too. His stomach began aching again, this time worse than last and he pushed his hand down tightly on top of his gut. A few more seconds of pain and it was gone, but his breath had been knocked from him and he felt dizzy.

His eyes loosened but this time he let them relax and slowly but surely open. The room was empty except for a figure sitting in the chair. The two slivers of eyes he had weren't great on focusing. Everything was blurry and faded. He blinked a few times, things would focus and then fade. He heard a cough coming from the image.

"Jude…"

_Max_. He knew that voice anywhere. The blonde boy with blue eyes and an even bluer soul. He felt the image of his friend grow close and he felt his hand on top of his.

"Don't fight to stay awake, just relax, and sleep, but know I'm here."

His hand felt so warm and he moved his fingers to try and hold onto it.

Max caught on to what Jude was doing and grabbed onto his hand, as though he wouldn't survive if he let go.

Jude's mouth opened and he caught his breath. His mouth was dry and his jaw felt stiff and heavy. He could see parts of Max's face clearly and he looked tired, and stiff. He hadn't shaved and he was in desperate need of sleep.

"My……stomach…." It felt like hours for him to get two words out. His lips felt like they were going to bleed from moving and being so chapped, and he was sure that his jaw was going to break at any moment.

"Is it bad?"

His mouth hung open searching deep for an answer wouldn't let him make one. He simply nodded and squeezed Max's hand with the little strength he could.

"I'll tell them…they'll get something for you."

He nodded and opened his mouth, fighting off his screaming muscles and chapped lips. "She……she's…..so sad." He let out a deep gasp after finishing.

Max looked down into his eyes, they were so deep dark brown and empty. He had no idea what Jude was even talking about, and he figured Jude didn't either. "Yeah so is everyone." He responded.

Jude shook his head lightly and felt himself grow angry. He squeezed Max's hand a little harder and looked up into his eyes or what he could see of them.

"No…..she's….broken."

He gave up. He felt too weak to keep his eyes open and they grew heavy and he let them close. His grip loosened and he felt the darkness coming over him. He didn't want to sleep again but it sounded so good. His sleep gave him no pain and no cravings, and no images of crying beautiful girls.

Max watched his friend drift off into a deep sleep.

"She is broken Jude, you are, too. And you're both the only things that can fix each other."

Max let go of his hand and ran his own through his greasy tangled hair. He needed a shower and a bed. If it wasn't him staying at the hospital and waiting to see his friend wake up for a few seconds, he was holding Lucy's head over the toilet and hearing her sob and scream. He stood up and walked towards the nurses station. The young red headed nurse with the kind smile looked at him sadly.

"Everything alright Mr. Carrigan?"

"Yea…look he's complaining about his stomach, the pain is bad, can you give him something?"

She nodded. "I'll send his nurse in there now. He's talking more today then?"

"Well more than hello and yes." He replied.

"And your sister…"

Max looked down. "She's still getting sick and screaming a lot. The doctor said it's a mix of detox and shock, and just a complete anxiety attack. She's breaking down."

The nurse looked up and offered a smile. "Well, if you need anything you know where to find me, and I wish you and your's the best of luck."

Max offered her a slight smile and walked towards the exit doors. The sky was overcast and grey, thunder rumbled off in the distance and the smell of rain was hanging overhead. He didn't want to go home but he couldn't leave her like this. He didn't know what to do, his life was coming undone and there was no one for him to turn to anymore. He sighed and cursed under his breath. "You have to be strong for them and keep it together man." He told himself. He was pulled from his thoughts when a boom of thunder rang closer, he looked up at the sky and then reached his hand out, and hailed a cab for home.


	9. The word 'addiction'

**A/N Thanks to all! I'm still feeling quite down and I can't promise an update tomorrow if I'm still feeling all yuck. But I'll try.**

Max rode home in the cold cab. The air was up too high and it was pouring down rain now. The thunder roared at him from behind and he turned around to see dark clouds building up in the sky. He shivered and watched as the cab fee rose higher. He sifted his pockets for his last remaining remnants of change and tossed them at the driver when he pulled up to the curb. He ran inside trying to cover himself from the rain and shook a bit when he stepped into the building. 

He ascended the staircase rather slowly today. It was 3 in the afternoon but it felt more like 8 a.m. He was dragging his feet the whole way up the stairs. He could hear the floor boards creaking the higher he got, and knew Sadie would be pacing around waiting for some kind of feedback. He closed his hand around the doorknob and walked in.

Sadie looked up and stared at the dripping wet boy with the grey eyes.

"He's okay." Max said bluntly setting himself down at the table and resting his head on it.

Sadie didn't respond. She arched her eyebrows and walked over to the table, she sat down lightly and patted his head gently.

"He said his stomach hurt…and then he asked about her."

Sadie's eyes lit up like a wildfire and she stared at Max intently. "What?"

"He said she was sad, and then called her broken. He had to be talking about her."

"Did he say her name?"

"Not exactly but who else would it be? And she was sad the last time he saw her, and she IS broken."

Sadie gently smiled. "Max, that could be the drugs talking, or flickers of his mind referring to anyone, the doctors said-

"I know what they said Sadie." Max's voice was urgent and frustrating. "But I know who he is talking about, and I know it was about her."

Sadie sat back and let out a breath. Max focused back down at the table and his head felt heavy.

"You need some sleep." Sadie said changing the subject.

"I can't sleep with a recovering cocaine addict in the house."

"Max get off your high horse. No one gave you shit when you weren't talking, or eating, or making sense after Nam…you were freaked out and we understood, now understand this, your sister has an addiction, it's something that happens to people and it's a damn shame it happened to her, but it did. I don't know a lot about things but I do know that she's your damn sister and she needs you just as much as Jude does, if not more. She's battling with her demons, too." 

Max looked up into Sadie's eyes, he had never seen her so passionate about anything other than music, and this was surely something that was a big deal…but he almost felt like Lucy didn't want to get better, and he wasn't going to help someone get better who didn't want it.

He nodded to Sadie and stood up. He walked shamelessly into his little sister's room and saw her looking out the window.

"It's thundering." she said low and in a very monotone voice.

"Yeah…"Max replied rubbing the back of his head. "It's pretty wicked out there, there's a big one rolling in."

Lucy turned around. Her face had no color and her eyes were sunken. It had been 9 days since she had a fix of any kind, and she didn't look more awful then she did right now. He could hardly bear to look at her.

"I hate storms…" she replied coldly.

"You used to sneak in my room and crawl in my bed, and you'd cuddle up so close. You'd be half crazy sounding, talking about how you were going to get struck by lightning. And I always read you a story under the covers with a flashlight." Max laughed a little and caught sight of a spark in Lucy's eye.

She nodded. "You made me feel safe."

"What about now?" Max asked worried.

She looked down, "I'm too ashamed to look at you, for you to see what I have become, I don't feel safe anywhere, and I haven't in months."

"Luce…I really think getting you in to talk to someone and maybe getting you on something is key here."

"Another addiction though? Even if it is prescribed."

"Addiction is a big word, and yes you have one…but you have got to do something, even if it's just talk to someone."

Lucy looked back towards the window as a roll of thunder hummed in the distance. She nodded and Max relaxed.

"Thank you." he responded as he walked over and embraced her in a hug.

It was the first 'real' hug she had felt from Max in a long time.

"How is he?" She asked quietly.

"He's in pain…"Max sighed letting his sister go.

"Did he say much today?"

Max hesitated and looked out the window, he didn't know if he should say anything to her. He opted for it though, maybe telling her would help.

"He said you were sad, and broken, well not you exactly he said 'she' but I don't know who else he would refer to since you are sad and broken."

Lucy's eyes lit up a bit and she felt like smiling but her mouth wouldn't move from the state it was in.

Max leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'm going to make you some food, try and take it easy."

Lucy watched him walk out while she twirled her cross necklace around her fingers. He was so lonely all alone in that hospital bed, and he too was broken. She thought about John and how everything, all the messes and the tears seemed to stem back to him. She felt herself grow angry and her eyes widened. She tried to brush it off but she just kept thinking about him.

It was late and Max was still up searching for sleep. He could hear Jojo's guitar humming from the living room while the rain beat against the walls. Sadie's voice echoed off the walls alongside the thunder.

_Never mentions the word addiction,_

_In certain company._

_Yeah she'll tell you she's an orphan,_

_After you meet her family._

_She paints her eyes as black as night now,_

_Pulls them shades down tight._

_Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,_

_The pain's gonna make everything all right._

_She says she talks to angels,_

_They call her out by name._

_Oh she talks to angels,_

_Says they call her out by name._

Max sighed. The song was ripping him apart, and he was praying that Lucy wasn't hearing this. God he felt so sick and tired and lonely. There was nothing he could do for anyone. Jude wouldn't even remember he had been there, and Lucy, Lucy was so far gone.

It was getting later, Jojo's guitar grew silent but the thunder roared louder and louder, it was shaking the apartment and Max knew there was no chance he would be sleeping tonight.

His door opened slightly and he saw a light from the hall. He turned to see Lucy standing in the doorway, she looked so small and scared. She closed the door gently and walked over to the bed. She pulled back the covers and Max watched her with confusion.

"I don't want to be alone, and I'm scared."

Max watched her curl up next to him and he rolled over. He rubbed his sister's back gently and told her it would pass, she just needed to fall asleep.

"I'll tell you about how good Jude looked today until you fall asleep."

Lucy cuddled up next to him while she listened to Max tell her about his deep brown eyes and even though his voice was raspy it was still low and relaxed. She smiled to herself, the first smile that had crossed her lips in days. She just wanted him to smile back at her, and tell her how much he liked her laugh. She wanted to be able to stand next to him and feel safe, and feel like nothing else mattered in the world.

She closed her eyes and sank into a sleep while Max continued on.

Across town, the power was flickering and the generators at the hospital were beginning to turn on. A nurse walked in to Jude's room and saw him, his head turned slightly looking out at the rain.

"It's really coming down out there Jude, and what are you doing up."

"She….she hates thunder."

"Most people do." The nurse checked his iv and looked at him, she flicked the light on and walked to the other side of the bed, her eyes were squinting. On his lips was a little bit of blood. She drew back and looked startled. She heard him couch from low in his throat and paged the doctor.

"Jude, have you been coughing."

"My…stomach…." he moaned while continuing to look out the window.

"Jude I'm going to give you a shot, you're going to be tired after t, but when you wake up you shouldn't be in pain."

Jude raised his hand a little and felt it grow numb. The nurse sounded so worried, there was a tone in her voice. He watched the rain trickle down and his eyelids grew heavy until they were shut completely.


	10. How it feels

**A/N So I am baffled as to why the last chapter was underlined. Ugh, I do apologize. Also I am feeling a bit better and I'll keep updating, I have a pretty busy weekend but I'll try to get an update by Sunday! Keep the reviews coming, it makes me happy that you all like it!**

_You don't know how it feels._

It was damp outside, the sidewalks were still wet but the heat was rising up off of them like smoke from a cigarette. The sun was already up and pouring itself in through curtains, and the heat was already intense. The light trickled in the hospital room and Jude squinted his eyes, feeling the sun on his face.

It had been 4 days since it started raining, and 4 days since the doctors had ran around aimlessly in the night searching for answers as to why he was coughing up blood. His stomach, still in knots, was finally starting to ease up. The pain was not nearly as severe but it wasn't gone.

"_It's an ulcer and it's just going to take time for it to clear up. You're stomach lining and your esophagus are torn completely. You have to stay away from the drink, you don't even look a day old enough to drink, and you're too young to be having these problems. If you don't stop, in all fairness, you're going to die. Thankfully you were brought in, at the rate you were drinking, you would have been in serious condition in a month or less. You probably wouldn't last through the summer."_

Jude winced upon recalling the doctors words, his harsh tone didn't make it easier for him to take. He knew it was killing him slowly, he knew that from the first time he threw up blood, but he didn't think it would all happen so quick. And now, now he was paying for it. Every time they brought a bowl of soup in, he wanted so badly to inhale it, but a few sips later and he was throwing up.

"_You're going to have to take it easy, take baby steps."_

"That's just what they say when they make me walk." Jude thought to himself.

His leg was swollen from the break. He had a cast on and it would be there a good month and a half. He could walk though, the doctors said that was a miracle in itself. The pain wasn't too severe in his leg, more like a dull ache, and nothing a shot of morphine seemed to fix. He was moving around more, and recalling more. Memories drifted in and out like wind, from nights at the café, to waiting up for Lucy. His mind was almost in the state it had been two months prior.

Max came in every day, sometimes twice a day. He was a lot more cheerful and happy to see Jude awake. The first time he walked in and saw Jude sitting up, preparing to walk, his face went from dull and lifeless, to pure Joy. And to feel Jude actually hug him back, even if it was a small hug, it was worth it.

Jude still didn't stay awake too long. He got tired much more easily than before, and he got sick a lot. He hated throwing up.

The only time the conversation ever became dull was when Jude would ask what happened, or how Lucy was, or for that matter, where she was.

Max would tighten his lips and look out the window. He almost always changed the subject.

All Jude knew, was there had been an accident, a fight that he couldn't recall, something between him and john. The only confrontation he remembered between him and John was the one at the apartment some nights ago when he was drunk.

_Drunk._ Oh that word made his stomach hurt. Every time he thought about alcohol his stomach tore itself up. Sometimes he thought he could taste it, or smell it. He wanted so badly to take a sip, but when he would think about it too long, his stomach twisted itself up and he was getting sick.

Jude tried to think of the last time he saw Lucy. He remembered her sitting at the café, next to John, but that was it. That was the last thing he remembered, and he wanted to put the pieces together.

Max would sit across the room and stare at him when he would start talking about Lucy. He would mention her addiction and Max would wince. Jude could tell there was something going on in the way Max would furrow his brows. He would ask why max didn't want to talk about it and he would always say the same thing.

"She's not good. She is off the drug."

"Well that's great, she used to be so full of life before all of that."

Max would shake his head and shift uncomfortably.

"It's not great Jude. It's a mess, it's ugly. I don't know what to do with her."

"Bring her here…"

Max would shake his head harder and sigh. _"We did once, it set her back further. She couldn't take it."_

Jude would turn his gaze on the window. Sometimes he would try to find the last happy moment between them and keep his mind on that. It didn't even feel like they were still together, they felt so far apart. He remembered that hotel room where he holed up for two weeks, he remembered the fighting, the yelling, the crying.

"Oh God." He would moan while resting his head on his hands."

"What? What is it?" Max would ask urgently.

"I should have been there, I'm such an ass. I'm such a fucking idiot. I couldn't turn away from drinking and look where that got me!"

Max would sit on the edge of the bed and speak easily and quietly.

"Jude…it wasn't your fault, you both picked wrong addictions at the wrong time, and you both dealt with things alone. We didn't reach out to you, maybe we should have."

Jude would fall into a slump and sigh. Max would try to cheer him up and always tell him about the good looking nurse he was thinking about asking out. Jude would offer a smile, but images of Lucy still burned fresh on his mind, like glowing embers.

He shook his head out of his daydreams and realized he was still alone in the hospital room. The heat outside was kicking the air conditioning on and off and the sound of the busy streets below made Jude incredibly impatient. He wanted out of here, but the doctors assured him, another week was needed, just until they got his stomach under way.

He heard the door open and caught the smell of real food in the hallway. It sounded so good, but his stomach was already churning at the smell. He looked up and saw a very bubbly, very happy Sadie walk into the room. She had a bouquet of flowers and was smiling widely.

"Sadie…"he said smiling.

"Boy, I thought you were never going to talk to me again."

Jude smiled and she sat down next to him. She kissed his forehead and brushed the hair from his face.

"You look good Jude."

"I should say the same to you."

"How you feelin?"

"A bit sick, and my leg is really stiff, but other than that…I just want to go home."

"You'll get to, soon, very soon."

Jude nodded. Sadie kept smiling as she arranged the flowers on his desk.

"They're nice." Jude said smiling.

"Lucy picked them out." Sadie replied in a monotone voice.

Jude eyed the flowers intently. "Did she know they were for me?"

Sadie nodded. "It was her idea. She said your room probably needed color."

Jude looked down at his hands, they were shaking. He wanted so badly to have her there, holding them and smiling back at him, eyes wide and piercing into his soul, leaving the rest of the world to wait outside.

Sadie knew he wa thinking about her. She drew in her breath.

"Whatever thought you have of her, she is not the same."

Jude looked up into her soft face that was now twisted with remorse.

"Her eyes, they're sunken and cold, she's so fragile, I'm afraid to touch her. She hasn't smiled, at least not that I've seen. Her voice is low and raspy, she doesn't do much."

Jude felt an aching but this time in his chest. "Is she getting help?"

"Max tried to get her to a good psychiatrist but the price range is way out of line."

"So she is just alone? No one is helping her stay away from the drug? No one is monitoring her?"

"Jude, we all pull our weight, Jojo and me switch shifts and when Max comes home he takes care of her. Between you and her that boy doesn't have room for anything else."

Jude looked at his shaking hands and sighed.

"What am I going to do for her?"

"You need to worry about yourself, you have issues of your own that are going to take more than a stay in the hospital to cure."

Jude nodded slightly and looked out the window. The sun felt so warm and the air was calling him outside. He remembered running in the strrets below while holding Lucy's hand in early spring. The wind whipped around the faces and she laughed at the faces people would give them. Her eyes were smiling and her voice was filled with deep emotion. Jude could have just watched her, and just felt her, and all would have been fine in the world.

He glanced back at Sadie who was looking down at the ground.

"What is it?"

"Oh, nothing, just…well, some things are changing."

"Enlighten me."

Jude was beginning to feel tired and Sadie noticed.

"No, you've had a long morning and they told me not to stress you out or keep you awake too long. The last thing I want is some rich ass doctor telling me I screwed up your recovery process."

Jude smiled and knew there was something Sadie needed to get out, but he didn't pry, he wanted to but the medicine was wearing in and his eyelids felt like two anchors.

"I'll be back tomorrow." Sadie said leaning down and kissing his forehead. Jude smiled and nodded.

Sadie turned and walked out of the room, leaving a near exhausted Jude at peace. She shut the door and headed for the exit. She didn't have the heart to tell him, and she didn't want to be the one to tell him that when he came back to the apartment, Lucy wasn't going to be there.

**A bit slow and uneventful, review please, and I'll update as soon as I can!**


	11. That hole in your life

**A/N Sorry it's been a couple days, thanks for the reviews!**

The car was hot and the air was thick. The top was down which was making a breeze but it wasn't cool and it wasn't enough to consider comfortable. The roads weren't very crowded, most people were laying out in the sun or at the local pools trying to cool themselves off.

Lucy was focusing on the trees that populated the road side. She would look at the birds flying from one to another, she'd try to smile but that felt so foreign to her face.

Max would look over at her every now and then, he'd try to think of something to say but everything had already been said, and he didn't know how to fill in the gaps of her life.

The radio was busted and the silence was becoming more uncomfortable by the mile. Lucy kept replaying Max's words in her mind.

"_It's only until you get better, until you get well enough to come back to New York."_

"_Mom and Dad aren't going to let me come back, why would you do this to me?"_

"_I had no other option! All the doctors here are way out of the price range and you know Mom will take care of you. She couldn't believe what has happened to you Lucy. She almost had me killed because I didn't tell her sooner."_

_Lucy sighed and looked at her feet. "They're going to lock me up in my room. They're not going to let me do anything, or see anyone!"_

"_Maybe that's exactly what you need. To be kept away from the world right now."_

"_How am I ever going to learn?"_

"_You obviously didn't learn how to deal with life in the right way since you've been with us in the city."_

"_I didn't choose for this to happen!"_

"_Lucy, you chose to do cocaine, you chose to do it every day, you chose to make it a priority. You didn't choose the addiction but it happened because of the choices you made."_

"_Are you going to send Jude back to England to get help?_

"_Jude isn't my sister. And Jude's getting help."_

_Lucy looked back at her feet and sighed. "I'm never going to get to see him again, am I?"_

"_You'll be back. You just have to get better."_

"_Can I at least say goodbye?"_

_Max shrugged. "You really think that's safe?"_

"_What's safe?"_

"_Exactly. Look if you want to write him a letter I'll see that he gets it, I just don't know how good of an idea it is that you see him face to face, you're both vulnerable."_

_Lucy nodded reluctantly. "When do we leave?"_

Her thoughts were shaken when she thought about the letter.

"Did you give it to him?"

Max was startled by his sister's voice, she hadn't spoken since she uttered her goodbyes to Jojo and Sadie. "Give who what?"

"Jude. Did you give him the letter."

Max nodded. "I put it on his stand before I came to pick you up. He was asleep, but he'll get it."

Lucy nodded then turned to focus on the trees. She didn't want to go back home, she could imagine her mother's face, the disappointment, her father's sunken eyes filled with tears, the punishment and the help she would have to endure. She didn't like the way this was sounding. Her head hurt and her heart hurt.

Jude was shaken from his dreams by the sudden urge to throw up. Luckily he didn't. He gripped his stomach and moaned. He so badly wanted real food, and wanted to not get sick, and to walk outside and feel the heat sink into his bones. He turned to his side and reached for his water glass. He felt the cool liquid slide down his throat and expected his stomach to react, but it stayed calm and he smiled. He sat the glass down and noticed an envelope. There was no name and it wasn't sealed. He didn't even think it was for him. He picked it up and eyes it carefully. Maybe it was the beginning of a long list of medical bills. He moaned at the thought. He turned over the envelope and opened it carefully, he pulled out a folded piece of notebook paper. His eyes caught sight of the writing and his breath caught in his throat. In an instant, he felt completely weightless and unable to move. His heart rate beat faster and he began to read the words.

_Jude._

_I've never written you a letter before. I've never thought I'd have to. You're sick, Jude. You are hurt and you are sick. I'm sure now you realize this without me trying to explain. I'm sick, too. We both have our diseases, we both have our addictions. We let them swallow us whole and choke us to death. I can't seem to be able to let the drug go. I think about it, I crave it, I still want it. Max has decided to send me back home with my parents, until I get better. He can't handle me. I'm leaving on Sunday and I don't know if I'll be back. I guess it goes without saying I don't know when I'll see you. They let me see you once but it didn't end well, you were still in a coma, you probably don't remember and that's for the best. I've come to realize it's my fault you're in this state. John was with me when this happened to you. If it hadn't been for me hanging around with him, you would be fine…well not fine, you'd probably sill be drinking, but you wouldn't be in some hospital room. I can't live with myself knowing what I have done, and I don't expect you to live with it either. I still love you for whatever it's worth. I never didn't love you. I didn't think you'd actually leave but you did, and you didn't come back. You just drank and killed yourself slower. I'm trying to forgive you for your addiction but I can't even forgive myself for mine. I'll never love anyone as much as I loved and still love you. But obviously fate isn't on our side right now is it? You never know the effect someone has on you until you throw them away for something else. I hope you're doing better than I am. I hope you can say no, I hope you get to go home soon. I wish you the best in life and anything you do. I don't expect us to ever be. I would love to see you but I'm not sure how that's going to work. We both said things and did things we didn't mean. I want to forget them, but I don't know how to do that without forgetting you or you forgetting me. I'll keep you in my heart always and I'll remember you for what you were and how you were on our better days. The world is cold Jude, and you were the only thing keeping me warm, until we fell apart and found comfort in other things. I hope you find comfort in yourself._

_Wishing you the best,_

_Lucy._

Jude folded the letter and looked up. He had fallen into the deepest hole of her life and she had sunken into the corner of hers. He Didn't even have a reaction to the letter. Not seeing Lucy ever again had never crossed his mind, but her words, so negative and awful were ripping through him. She wanted to forget him. She needed to get better and maybe that was the only way. He felt his stomach churn and he gripped onto it. He laid his head into his hands and felt himself let go.


	12. Letters that you never meant to send

**A/N I've been feeling a little blue, thanks for the reviews, sorry it's been a few days, keep them coming…I'd appreciate it.**

_You know that life all too well._

His hands were shaking and he felt nervous. Anxiety was kicking itself in. In a mixture of anticipation and sorrow, he was nervously tapping his foot against the rest of the chair. His hands fumbling around in his lap, he couldn't steady himself. Every time someone walked by the room he'd look up anxiously and realize no one was coming in.

Just when he was going to give up and try to relax, he heard someone breathing.

He looked up into the eyes of a familiar face.

"Max…"

Max smiled as he slouched in the door frame. His eyes looked rested, but something in his face still looked unsteady. He was happy but not the happy kid he used to be.

"You look ready to get out of here."

"Well don't you think it's about time, I couldn't take another week or day at that."

Max eased his way into the room and embraced his friend in a warm hug. He stood back up and smiled. "So what are the rules?"

"I have to keep practicing with walking everyday and I have to keep up my exercises. They say I should be fine, just a wee bit sore. And I have to stay rested and not overwork myself."

"And?"

"And I have to keep taking these antibiotics for a few days."

Max's face still looked puzzled. "And…"

Jude eyed him for a few seconds before realizing what he was hinting at. "And I can't drink."

"Are those their orders?"

"I'll get another ulcer if this one is even completely healed yet. Plus…apparently my insides aren't too satisfied with the drinking I'd been doing."

"Neither were your outsides by the looks of you. Or how you looked. You don't look so bad now."

Jude smiled. "If I could get out of this chair and kick you I would."

"Oh you could get out, but the kicking part…ah I don't think so."

Jude shook his head. "Just wheel me out, please."

Max picked up some papers and walked over to him, he began to push him towards the hall. Jude couldn't wait to leave. They went out into the sunlight and he closed his eyes and let it hit his face. He smiled and felt so alive, sore, but alive. Max helped him up and helped him into the cab. A nurse by the door took the wheel chair inside after waving goodbye. Max climbed into the cab and nodded to the driver.

Jude rolled the window down and felt the light breeze fly into the cab. He smiled to himself yet again and felt so free.

Max sat nervously next to Jude, he was so happy he was coming home but in the same sense, he was worried sick. No Lucy. There hadn't been no Lucy in over a year, and it was hard enough for everyone else to get used to. He bit his index finger nail nervously while Jude smiled to himself.

The cab pulled up and Jude winced while getting out of the car.

"How am I supposed to manage those?" He said pointing to the stairs.

"Well, I'm sure you could do it, it would just take a while, but we got you covered."

Jojo walked out and smiled at Jude. He hugged him gently and him and Max both picked him up and helped him walk a few steps, then would carry him for a few. Through fits of laughter and a few stops to catch their breath they made it up the stairs to find Sadie waiting anxiously.

She smiled in Jude's direction and when he entered the apartment and Jojo and Max let him down, she welcomed him home with a huge hug. Jude felt so good, so happy to be back. Sadie let him go and Max helped him to his old room. They joked on the way about Jojo falling a few floors back but the mood shifted when Jude walked into his room.

It was clean, no bottles, no clothes lying around, only a few pictures he drew, his dresser, and a freshly made bed. He felt his stomach knot up and he gripped it.

"You gonna get sick man?"

"No….I'll be fine Max, sometimes it just aches."

Max nodded and watched Jude stumble over to the bed and lay down. He looked up at the ceiling and felt a wave of sadness. It was the same wave of sadness that hit him head on the day he read the letter. He felt his throat grow tight and he fought the urge to cry.

Max eyed his friend nervously. He thought about saying something funny to ease the tension building up, but he opted for silence instead. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He looked at Jude's face, it looked so sad but he wasn't going to cry. Max could tell he was fighting back the tears, and he had a pretty good idea he knew why.

"She is doing good." Max said barely above a whisper.

Jude blinked and nodded slightly.

"Mom said…well, she said she mopes around a lot, but she's smiling some, and she hasn't had a crazy outburst or anything. The doctors said in a few weeks she'll be totally clean, unless she would relapse or something."

Max's words trailed off and Jude continued to nod every now and again, all the while staring at the ceiling. It was cracking, it needed painted, he had the urge to paint it…but the idea of standing up made him feel dizzy.

"I'm going to fix that ceiling as soon as I can."

Max looked up and raised his eyebrows. "I see where your priorities are."

"Seriously, it needs fixed, the paint is chipping, and it would be nice to paint."

Max nodded. Jude obviously didn't want to talk about Lucy, or her situation. He stood up and stretched.

"Do you want something to eat or drink, and that offer excludes alcohol."

Jude smiled a small one, that drew the corners of his mouth up slightly. He nodded back, "Just some water for now."

Max nodded and walked out.

Jude stared back up at the pastel whitish ceiling and imagined painting something stunning on it. "She'd like that" he thought to himself. But he shook the idea of Lucy from his head. Him painting something she would like wasn't going to bring her back at all. She had made it clear, that she needed to forget him, and while he was trying to forget her, he was writing her letters all the time. Unfinished, some thrown away, some enveloped and ready to be sent. He couldn't make up his mind what to do. He pulled the letters from his coat pocked and held them overhead reading them to himself.

_And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away, 'cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose got tossed along the way. And letters that you never meant to send get lost or thrown away. And now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names, we don't belong to no one that's a shame. But if you could hide beside me maybe for a while, and I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your name._

He choked on his own breath as it caught in his throat. He couldn't bear to read his own letters to her. He couldn't bear the thought that she wasn't coming home. He wanted her to be there, in their room smiling back at him while he drew pictures. But Lucy wasn't around. This idea he had in his head, it was only an idea, one that wouldn't fall through.

He looked back at the letter, re-reading his own words scribbled all over the page.

_And scars are souvenirs you never lose the past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are ?We grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believe.Reruns all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio and I won't tell no one your name._

Jude tossed the letter down onto the floor and couldn't hold his tears back anymore. He bit his lip and rolled to his side feeling his whole body shake with every tear. He couldn't be on his own again, he didn't remember life without Lucy in it at all. He wanted a drink so badly but he knew he couldn't. He was fighting off sadness, alcohol, pain, and he had never felt so alone and so messed up.

Max walked into the room and saw Jude lying on his side, quivering. He could hear his breath and he knew he was crying. Max had never dealt with something quite like this, so he sat the glass of water down and decided it would be best to leave. He noticed the paper on the floor and he picked it up, reading over some of the words.

_I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same. It's lonely where you are come back down, and I won't tell 'em your name._

Max folded the letter in his hands and turned and walked out. He walked to the kitchen, sat down at the table, and pulled out a brown envelope and a pack of stamps.

**A/N Blah I know, and the song is the goo goo dolls so I'll give them credit, it just fit kind of well.**


	13. Living in your letters

**A/N Thanks again guys. And I'll try to update more this week!**

It was another hot day. The breeze was blowing gently through the upstairs window. Lucy could hear the wind chimes outside clanging back and forth. She smiled to herself, she had been doing that a lot lately.

She peeked out the window every now and then to see her mom doing work in the garden. She could hear her humming a tune and it sounded so familiar but she couldn't put her finger on where she'd heard it before.

Lucy sat in her room with a half finished book and some coffee. She could still hear her mom humming and it was starting to driver her crazy. If it hadn't been so hot she would have closed the window. She took a sip of coffee and concentrated back on her book. A few minutes passed and she heard her mom call her name. She looked out the window into the mid afternoon sun and saw her mom waving a few pieces of mail in her hand. 

"One's for you dear…from Max!"

Lucy smiled again, she missed her brother, she missed his jokes, she ran happily down the stairs and headed out the front door. Her mom handed her the envelope and it felt thick. She smiled again. Her mom looked into her eyes and smiled.

Three weeks Max had called her frantically, panicking about Lucy and drugs. She could barely remain standing. Her daughter, her oldest daughter, couldn't take the world, and she wasn't there to shield her from it. The first time she saw her, she looked like a zombie. She wasn't happy. Now, now the young woman who stood before her was doing better. She was eating again, she wasn't having quite as many outbursts, and she seemed to be recovering well.

"What?" Lucy asked as her mom stared.

"I'm just glad you're here." She touched her daughters face and smiled. Lucy returned the smile and then darted back to her room to read Max's letter.

She hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks and she was so excited to hear what he had to say.

Her hands fumbled with the envelope as she pulled out stacks of paper and another envelope.

She opened up the letter on top as she situated herself on her bed.

_Luce,_

_I miss you little sis. New York isn't quite as lovely without you here. To answer your questions from your previous letter; yes I am doing good. I feel a lot better, I sleep a lot but I think my body is just still trying to catch up on some sleep. Sadie and Jojo are great, the band has had quite a few gigs, when you get better maybe you can come to one for a weekend. You know I'd love for you to move back sis, but let's not get ahead of ourselves yet, let's concentrate on getting you completely okay. No, no one has heard from prudence at all, not since the night at the hospital. It's very strange, her apartment is empty and it's like she disappeared, again. And yes, Jude made it home okay. He's doing alright, walking pretty well, he's drawing again. Says he needs to fix the paint on the ceiling and he is always staring at it. Other than that, he seems okay…I say that in a I don't know what to really say way. He misses you, a lot. I know you probably don't want to hear about it but I've caught him crying a handful of times…and it's over you. He misses you like crazy. He's always writing you letters then tossing them out. I know you said you needed to forget about him to get better, and you both have to get better, but Luce…you loved him once, and he loved you, and he still does. He went through hell for you…you both just, you just had addictions and other problems. I sent some letters he wrote to you that I took out of his trash, and in the other envelope are some pictures…from better times, of all of us. I love you little sis and please write me back. Give mom my love and tell dad I send my best. Keep well, I love you-Max._

Lucy felt boggled. She had been thinking about Jude a lot, when she laid down or when she would think about New York. Jude had a way of creeping into her mind unexpectedly. He'd hide there for hours and she'd be left sobbing about it. 

The idea of Jude crying made her feel sick. She remembered how he'd look when she came home late, not knowing where her bedroom was and laughing hysterically. She'd see him, sitting on the bed, the bathroom light reflecting on his face, and he would look so sad, it would tear her apart. She'd never seen his full fledged sob and she couldn't bear the thought.

She opened the envelope to see pictures from a year earlier. There were ones at the café of everyone sitting around laughing and drinking. Pictures of Max from last summer with his swimming trunks and a life jacket on, while standing in the middle of a stream of water coming from a fire hydrant. Sadie and Jojo sitting on the couch singing, pictures of the Manhattan skyline, Prudence dancing in the living room, and then Jude, sitting at his desk drawing pictures with a smirk on his face. Lucy caught her breath in her chest. The next ones we're of Max and Jude, arms around each other laughing hysterically. A few pictures of things Jude had drawn, and then a picture of Lucy and Jude. They were sitting on the balcony looking over the edge. Lucy was looking into his eyes and smiling and Jude was offering the same smile back. They didn't know the picture was being taken and they were caught up in the moment.

Lucy felt her eyes well up with tears and she tried to hold them back. She hung the picture on her bulletin board and felt the tears fall when she looked up at it. She sat there for a moment trying to decide whether or not to read the letters. They were letters Jude had never meant for her to see and she wondered why. Her hands were shaking as she unfolded the notes. She held her breath as she read over the words.

The first letter was a song. Basically saying how he missed her and wanted her to come home, it was lonely where he was so come back down, and he won't tell anyone her name. She folded it up and sat it next to the stack of pictures. 

The next one was "I'm sorry" written boldly and covered in flower designs. The rest of it seemed to be drawings and designs. She traced them with her fingers and felt her eyes well up again. 

The last one was an actual letter. Jude was never great with expressing his feelings flat out, and Lucy felt nervous.

_I've written you letters, countless ones at that. I'm always thinking about you and the way your hair falls slightly over your eyes. I always think of our better days, before I was a stubborn drunk ass who pushed your further away. I miss you so much it burns. You wouldn't believe how lonely this room is without you in it, you wouldn't believe how lonely the city is either. I wish you the best. I wish you wouldn't forget me. I wish I wouldn't have turned to something else. I should have turned to you instead of away from you. Please believe me when I say I love you, and I hope you haven't forgotten me entirely._

Lucy felt her stomach tie up in knots. She was crying now, tears streaming down her face. She wiped them away and looked up at the picture of them. She hadn't forgotten Jude, she missed him all the time, she couldn't forget him. She wanted to see him. She tried to put herself back together before her mom would walk in and see her sobbing.

She thought about the way he used to call her love and she smiled slightly. Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing phone.

She ran downstairs and picked it up. There was a clicking noise, and after she said hello a few times and sniffled, she hung up.

She started to walk towards the kitchen, while Jude popped in her mind again. She remembered when he had been at her house for thanksgiving, and how wonderful her mom thought he was, and she was still with Daniel at that time. She looked at the dining room table and could almost see everyone sitting around the table and the sparkle in Jude's eyes as he felt at home. She remembered after they came back from the bowling alley that night, before him and Max left for New York, Lucy walked down the stairs to say goodbye to Max when she saw Jude sitting on the front porch smoking. She walked out and smiled.

"_You planning on joining us?" He asked between hits._

"_No, but I did want to say goodbye, and it was nice to meet you."_

"_That it was, I wish we could get to know each other more but Max is pretty determined on getting to the city."_

_Lucy simply nodded and pulled the blanket around her tighter._

"_Maybe we'll get to see each other again?" She smiled happily._

_Jude smiled back. "Perhaps you'll have to pay a visit."_

The phone rang again, and Lucy was shifted from her daydream to reality.

She walked over to it feeling startled and murmured a hello into the receiver.

There was silence again.

She sniffled and wiped her face. "Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?" she felt her voice crack and she sniffled again. 

She was about ready to hang up when a voice responded.

"Why do you sound so sad….sweet?"


	14. A phone call I'd rather not receive

**A/N Sorry its been a while, things have been crazy.**

The humming of the fan had woken him up.

It wasn't the cars some floors below, or the incessant strumming of JoJo's guitar from the back room, it was the low buzz of his fan.

He thought about turning it off but the heat sinking into his skin made him even more awake.

He moaned to himself and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He hadn't had a drink in almost a month. It had been a month since the accident, a month and two weeks since Lucy had asked him to leave, and almost three months since him and Lucy had been "okay."

He was wide awake now and fighting with his thoughts.

The main thing on his mind recently had been John. He had finally gotten Max to tell him exactly what happened, down to the way he looked after being hit. He could tell it took a lot out of Max to relive that day, but he could see the anger in his eyes when he told him the cops never caught John and no one had seen him since.

Jude grinded his teeth at the thought of him. Every bad thing that had happened in the last four months, revolved around John, and around his drinking.

Drinking didn't even sound good to Jude. Even when he couldn't sleep and he used to drink to fall asleep. His stomach was finally not aching, or burning. When he couldn't sleep he drew, or sat on the balcony eying the few stars he could see over the city lights, or eying the streets below.

On this particular night, a cigarette and a view at the sky sounded wonderful.

Jude walked slowly and carefully to the balcony and opened the door. His leg was feeling so much better but it pulled every now and then. There was a light breeze outside but nothing comforting. He sat in the night heat puffing and glancing at the sky.

"If you were looking at the sky we would be seeing the same thing." He whispered to himself.

He took another drag and shook his head as a smile eased across his face.

"You probably don't look at the sky anymore though."

Jude sat down on the edge of the balcony and remembered the times the two of them would sit outside together and laugh, or just sit in the silence and enjoy it with each other. He could almost see the two of them, but he knew it wasn't real, but he wished it was.

He finished puffing on his cigarette and headed back inside. He could no longer hear JoJo's guitar or the sound of Sadie laughing gently. He glanced at the clock and moaned. It was almost three and he had a feeling he'd be up for a while.

He walked back to his room quietly to avoid waking Max up. He had been sleeping so well lately and he didn't want to disturb him.

He sat down at his bed and looked at his drawings. They were flooding his desk, all out of place. He glanced up at the ceiling, it was now a light shade of blue fading into a dark shade. He wanted to paint the sky, and he was trying his best.

He stood up and eyed what he could do next. He jumped when the sound of the kitchen phone rang. It scared him to death and he stood in place for a few seconds. The second rang made him walk as fast as he could to the kitchen. He winced a few times as he felt his leg pull, but by the fourth ring he answered.

"Hello?" He mumbled quietly into the receiver.

There was silence on the other end.

"Is anyone there?" He asked a bit louder this time.

"Jude?" A voice responded quite quietly and a little scared sounding.

Jude swallowed hard and stood up straight.

"Lu….Lucy?"

"Uh…yeah, it's me."

"Is everything alright, you realize it's late?"

"Yea…and I'm sorry…I just…." She paused and he could hear the fear in her voice.

"Lucy…what's going on?" Jude was fighting off twenty different emotions at once and trying to not let them show.

Lucy was silent again and she let the tears fall and sniffled. "Is Max there?"

Jude sighed and felt disappointed.

"He's asleep actually. I could wake him up but he's been sleeping so good and I-"

"No don't wake him…I'll call later."

"No…Lucy, what's wrong? It's late and I can tell something is bothering you."

Lucy paused again. "It's…it's John. He knows where I am and has been calling all day."

Jude stood up straight again and pulled the receiver closer to his ear. "What?"

"I didn't know if he had called there and gotten my parent's number or if he is here and knows where I am. The stuff he says is just awful. I don't know what to do."

"Lucy calm down." Jude said while she began to cry. "You've got to tell your mum and dad, they'll help you out."

"I know, I know, but they went out with some friends tonight, and it's just me and my sister…and he keeps calling."

Jude felt helpless. The girl he loved was alone and the sick bastard bothering her was the same person who drove them apart.

"Okay…then you need to call the police."

"And tell them what? My old drug dealer is harassing me?"

Jude could hear the anger in her voice, the same anger she had when she was using. He bit his lip.

"Just tell them you're getting harassing phone calls Lucy. Tell them you have an idea who it is but you're not sure."

Lucy began sobbing.

"Okay, I'm going to wake max up, please just hang on a second."

Lucy continued crying as Jude attempted to walk fast into max's room.

He opened the door and saw a sleeping Max next to a bottle of opened sleeping pills.

"Well that explains that."

Jude leaned down and began shaking Max. He moaned and Jude kept shaking him and calling his name.

Max rolled over and looked up at his friend.

"What the hell?" He said slowly and under his breath.

"Max, it's Lucy, she's on the phone hysterical. John's been calling and you're parents aren't there and I don't know what to say to calm her down.

Max sat up and eyed him.

"What the fuck is going on?"

'I just told you-"

Max pushed his way past Jude and ran to the kitchen. He picked up the receiver and yelled her name into the phone.

Jude made his way into the kitchen, still shocked by the sound of her voice making it's way through her veins.

He looked at Max who was holding the receiver and yelling Lucy's name. he turned and faced Jude and stared at him with eyes wide.

The only thing Jude could hear was the sound of a busy tone and an operator asking to please hang up and dial again.

**I know it's short and not that good but I've had so much going on. I'll try to get some more up. Sorry guys**


	15. Sister Golden Hair

**A/N It's been months and I apologize. Things have been quite crazy for me and stressful at the same time. I wanted to keep writing because it's my out and I apologize for not doing so. This story is helpful for me because granted it is a fanfic it is also based on a lot of aspects that have happened in my life. I hope you continue reading and enjoying it and I will continue to keep it up.**

_Well I keep on thinking 'bout you, sister golden hair surprise._

It was quite early in the morning. The radio was buzzing static and the summer breeze was ripping itself through the open windows. You could hear something in the backseat flapping against the wind and the smell of cigarettes hung freshly in the air.

Headlights were shining brightly through the windows and Max, fighting off sleep with a cup of now cold coffee was putting his arm over his eyes when one passed.

Jude sat quietly in the front sleep. He wasn't the least bit tired and offered to drive but Max shook his head and always replied with, "I don't know if you pushing your foot on the pedal for a few hours will be a good idea seeing as how you're still recovering."

Jude felt the wind through his hair and replayed Lucy's call over and over.

They couldn't get a hold of her after the phone went dead. They had called Max's Uncle who had made frantic calls to the police and somehow was able to reach his parents. Even on their half drunken state of mind they found the way to get home and rush to their daughters' sides. They were ok, just surrounded by a mess John had made from breaking into the house. Lamps knocked over, books thrown, the kitchen was ransacked, closets were open, but somehow he couldn't find Lucy; she was upstairs in her parents bathroom hiding behind a locked door with her sister. The banging on the door had been enough to drive her mad, and her screams of panic only urged John on. He managed to rip the phone off the wall and tear through her room. That had been the last Max and Jude had heard. His mother's calm yet scared voice shaking on the other end of the phone, his Dad giving a statement to Frank, the local policeman who had been to the house his fair share of time thanks to Max's antics, and his sister crying in the background.

That was when Max decided to make the drive.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" His mother would say quietly.

"What?"

'Bringing…Jude up here."

"Mom…it's not going to throw her back into anything. She'll see him sooner or later and he's not going to take no for an answer."

His mom sighed and gave in. At this point the breaking down of her daughter and throwing her back into habits didn't seem like it would be caused by Jude Feeney.

Max changed lanes and sped up while the air continued to whistle around him.

Jude looked out the window at the passing signs and kept thinking about how much he wanted to rip John apart.

"Did they catch him?"

Max sighed and took another sip of coffee. "I don't think so."

Jude rubbed his face.

"If you're tired you can sleep, we got a while yet."

"I'm not tired…just thinking, and worrying."

"She's fine, or at least she'll be fine-"

"She's not fine, Lucy can't deal with thunder storms let alone someone breaking in and yelling who knows what."

Max pulled two cigarettes out of the half crushed pack and handed one to Jude while lighting his own. He sucked in deep and exhaled towards the open window.

"She's probably just a little messed up."

"Yeah," Jude laughed. "A little."

Max took another hit. "They need to find this son of a bitch. How'd he know where she was, and get the number, and everything. He's fucking nuts."

Jude shook his head. His leg began pounding and he reached for it. Max looked over.

"What is it?"

"My leg, when I think about John and all that, or I get really upset about what happened it feels like someone is pounding a nail in it."

"Should I pull over?"

"No keep driving, things are more important right now."

Max nodded and reached over to pat him on the back.

Jude rubbed his leg. "Do you think she'll be mad at me?"

"What?"

"Do you think she'll be mad I came?"

Max tossed his cigarette out the window and ran a hand through his hair. "She won't be mad, but don't expect a hug and kiss or a 'I'm so glad you came' kind of thing."

"I don't expect half of that, I just don't want to bring her down more."

"You won't. In a few days, or a week, or more even, she'll think about it and she'll be glad you were there. You're going for her sake, and in time she'll realize that. She'll take into consideration you thinking about her and it will haunt her."

"Yeah…when did you become such a wise person?"

Max smiled.

"That's the first time you've smiled tonight Max."

Lucy sat on the porch next to her Mom and an officer with a clipboard. He was reading off questions and scratching down answers, pausing only briefly to sip his coffee or reply to another officer on his radio.

"Did he warn you that he was coming over?"

Lucy shuddered. "No, but he has been calling non stop."

"Did he threaten you in any way?"

"He said he needed to talk to me about things and if I didn't let him he would find a way to get a hold of me."

"Alright. Were you under the influence of any alcoholic beverages, narcotics, or any other time of substance tonight?"

Lucy looked at her mom who nodded simply. "It's a mandatory question dear, nothing personal.

Lucy shook her head. "No, I wasn't."

The cop asked a few more questions and then radioed another officer to come to the scene. He thanked her and walked inside.

Lucy's mom ran her hands through her daughters hair and smiled. "I'll get you some coffee dear."

Lucy shook her head and rubbed her temples.

Car lights flickered up the road and she noticed max's car pulling in. He wasted no time getting out and running towards his sister. She stood up and collapsed into his arms. It had been weeks since seeing him and she felt herself let go and sobbed into his shoulder. Max shook and felt himself begin to cry. He fought back what he could and tried to remain strong for her.

"It's ok now, Luce. I'm here."

"Max it's awful, what if he comes back, what do I do-"

Max cut her off and shushed her and held her tighter. She slowly began to calm down.

The door shut over by the car and Lucy looked up over his shoulder. There standing in the dark not really knowing where he fit was Jude. Her breath caught tightly in her throat and she slowly let go of Max. Jude walked up towards the porch then waited by the steps, looking around at the yard and rubbing the back of his neck.

Max turned to him and smiled.

"Jude…thank you for being here." A voice came from inside the house.

Lucy turned around and saw her mother standing there smiling.

He nodded. "It's my pleasure, I couldn't let the boy drive alone this late, and…well…I figured I could may be of some help."

Her mother smiled. "Well come in, get yourself some coffee."

Jude climbed the steps and walked right past Lucy slowly. He turned and looked at her while walking in. "I hope it doesn't make things worse for you that I'm here…"

Lucy still stunned couldn't even find an answer. Jude nodded at her silence and found his way to the door. She looked down at her feet and sighed quietly as Max pulled her back in for a hug.

_And I just can't live without you can't you see It in my eyes…_


End file.
